Two Drink Minimum

"Lopez Tonight" and Just For Laughs

2011-06-27T13:22:00.006-04:00

It has been roughly over one week since my appearance on "Lopez Tonight" and my set at Just For Laughs - Chicago. I'm still processing the experience and thinking about all the wild and worthwhile times I had, but I definitely know one thing: That week solidified what I want to do with the rest of my life - work with other funny people, toss around hilarious ideas, and enjoy every second of being creative.

Walking through the doors of the Lopez Tonight set and trotting down the stairs to hop on stage at the Red Bar Comedy Club were two very exciting moments for me, because I didn't trip.

I got on stage, told some jokes, had a ton of fun, and when it was time to head home, I knew that I wanted to work even harder to get back.

Right now, home is New York City where I'm taking part in the International Radio & Television Society (IRTS) Summer Fellowship Program, which I highly recommend to juniors and seniors in college who are interested in getting into the television (or radio) industry, and while I'm here, I'm going to make the most of my time in the Big Apple.

Every day I'm writing, every day I'm trying to find new outlets to be creative, and every day I'm having fun. And that's important. A lot of people don't have fun with what they do. But that's why video games were created.

On occasion, things just work out, but a lot of success comes from a lot of hard work.

Just keep working at it. You'll be back.

Penn State won the National College Comedy Competition 2011

2011-05-10T02:22:00.005-04:00

I had one of the most incredible moments of my life and it happened on a MegaBus.

Sigh.

But honestly, seeing the words Penn State wins the RooftopComedy.com National College Comedy Competition presented by TBS and is the funniest school in the country was one of the best things I've ever read, off of any phone screen ever, today.

Words cannot explain how honored I am. Industry professionals, fellow comics, family members, fans of Second Floor Stand-up, and everyone in the Penn State comedy scene were behind us.

Through eight rounds, Penn State and Second Floor Stand-up came out as winners. And at the end of the tournament, the bracket was perfect.

Thank you to everyone who laughed with us along the way. There are more jokes and good times to come.

Here is the official press release from Turner discussing the tournament's wrap up and what happens next:

Release Date: 5/9/2011

Winner of Rooftop Comedy’s National College Comedy Competition to Perform on TBS’s Late-Night Hit Lopez Tonight

Member of Winning Teams Appearance Slated for the Week of June 13
This year’s nationwide search for America’s funniest college students has come to an end, and the team from Penn State University has won the top prize in the fourth annual Rooftop Comedy National College Comedy Competition (NCCC) Presented by TBS. Now, that team’s MVP – Brandon Scott Wolf – has been offered the chance of a lifetime: the opportunity to perform in front of a national television audience on TBS’s late-night series Lopez Tonight, hosted by George Lopez

“Since its earliest days, late-night television has been a great launch pad for up-and-coming comedians, so I’m really excited to carry on that tradition by giving the winner of the National College Comedy Competition a chance to shine on Lopez Tonight,” said Lopez. Brandon Scott Wolf’s performance on Lopez Tonight is slated for the week of June 13.

Ohio State University, the University of Florida and Portland State University joined Penn State in the NCCC’s Funniest 4 final round. Aaron Nemo of Ohio State, Rudy Mendoza of the University of Florida and Andrew Dhulst of Portland State were each chosen as this year’s MVPs. Along with Brandon Scott Wolf, they will be offered the opportunity to perform at the star-studded TWIX® Presents: TBS Just for Laughs Chicago, taking place June 14-19.

Since the beginning of February, college students from across the country have been competing in the art of stand-up comedy for a shot at being crowned “America’s Funniest Comedy Team.” The annual competition begins each year with events held on 32 different campuses. At each event, students perform live stand-up routines, with the audience selecting the funniest to represent their school. Those teams then go on to compete in regional match-ups and elimination rounds that narrowed the field to the Select 16, then to the Ultimate 8 and the Funniest 4.

Comedy fans watched stand-up sets from each of the Funniest 4 team members and voted for their favorite college team at http://tbs.com/college. A highly esteemed panel of judges from the comedy, entertainment and media industries reviewed the finalists and chose the winning team and four MVPs (one from each team). The judging panel included Lopez Tonight comedy producer Adam Spiegelman, Punchline Magazine editor-in-chief Dylan Gadino, Emmy®-winning comic Jon Friedman, talent manager Bruce Smith and Just For Laughs’ Robbie Praw were among the judges for the final round the competition.

Second Floor at Just For Laughs - Chicago

2011-05-05T20:15:00.007-04:00

Two years ago I had a mic stand, a microphone, an amplifier, a stool, and a second floor apartment in downtown State College.

This is how Second Floor Stand-up became a reality.

After a lot of learning, a fair amount of mistakes, and a hell of a lot of fun and laughter, we've gone from performing in my cramped living space, to halls around campus, bars around town, dining commons, area theatres, fraternities, sororities, and now, we've reached the final four in RooftopComedy.com's National College Comedy Competition presented by TBS where we've been guaranteed that one Second Floor Stand-up comedian will have the chance to perform at Just For Laughs - Chicago 2011.

If someone told me that myself or a fellow Second Floor comic would be able to perform at such a huge comedy festival in Chicago within the first two years of our club's existence, I would have thought it was a crazy, unattainable goal, but here we are.

It's an honor to reach this level of success while in college and I'm very happy that I could do it alongside my friends. Second Floor was the best thing I did in college and I am proud to say that we made Penn State a better place because of our humor.

What's next for Brandon, you say?

I'm eyeing a peanut butter sandwich in my kitchen.

On to the Ultimate 8

2011-04-19T01:46:00.002-04:00

The Penn State Comedy Team, which is comprised of four Second Floor Stand-up members, has beaten Emerson College in the round of 16 and has advanced.

We were named today as one of the eight funniest schools in the Nation by RooftopComedy.com and TBS and we will continue to advance as long as we have the support of our university, our friends, our family, and our fans.

I will keep you updated on our trials and tribulations as we continue on our route to become the funniest comedians in the nation.

Penn State's Comedy Team and more!

2011-03-23T14:20:00.006-04:00

A field of 20 stand-up comedians from Penn State University was cut down to eight.

Those eight comedians traveled to Philadelphia to perform at Helium Comedy Club in the RooftopComedy.com National College Comedy Competition presented by TBS.

This year's PSU team was the funniest group of kids I've ever had the pleasure of being on the same bill with.

Everyone delivered hilarious sets, but by the end of the night, the judges had to pick their top four comedians.

The people that will represent Penn State in this year's 32-team NCAA March Madness-style competition are: Matt Rain, Stephanie Wain, Kevin Gallagher and myself.

In the first round of this tournament, PSU will take on the top four funniest students at Temple University in an online voting contest held on RooftopComedy.com/TBS.com.

The voting for this round begins on Sunday night at midnight and goes until Tuesday night at midnight.

You can vote for us every 5 minutes during that time period after you register for a free user name at RooftopComedy.com and help PSU win a National Championship!

The National College Comedy Competition 2011

2011-02-23T18:37:00.004-05:00

After competing in stand-up comedy against 19 other Penn State students, I was voted on to the 2011 edition of PSU's National College Comedy Competition.

I am honored and excited to once again represent my university while performing alongside some of the funniest and most hilarious people I know.

I'm looking forward to watching my taped performance in this year's NCCC and I will hopefully be able to post it online for everyone to enjoy.

Look for more info about the next round of this year's competition in the coming weeks.

I'll see you at Helium Comedy Club in Philly, Temple University.

Let the jokes continue!

2011 John W. Oswald Award

2011-02-08T01:36:00.003-05:00

I was e-mailed earlier today by Penn State University. I knew it was good news because the first word after "Dear Brandon:" was "Congratulations!"

I am honored to accept the John W. Oswald Award, which recognizes leadership in categories such as sports, arts, service and scholarship.

As a Division I athlete and member of the Penn State Nittany Lions football program...

Yeah, let's just say I'm not receiving this award because of my athletic prowess on the grid iron...

I am however, being recognized for my hard work at Penn State within the world of the performing and creative arts. Without organizations like Second Floor Stand-up and Phroth, I would not have been reading that e-mail today.

Thank you to anyone who has ever worked with me over my college career. I am very thankful to those who have helped shape me into the person I am today.

To learn more about last year's John W. Oswald Award recipients and the award I will be receiving, click here.

Thank you, PSU.

I'm Dan McGillicutty.

2011-01-12T21:16:00.004-05:00

This short set was from Second Floor Stand-up's Halloween Spooktacular:

A fwesh new sketch

2010-12-11T16:41:00.000-05:00

Sleep Deprivation and 'Meditation'

2010-11-30T03:36:00.005-05:00

Yes, it is late, but I just finished up a whole, huge, gigantic amount of homework.

Instead of going to sleep, I have come to you, blog community, to say goodnight.

Also, I wanted to share this awesome Photoshopped image I made for my Photojournalism course.

I took a few different pictures of my friend, Ryan Munshower, and placed these images in front of a heavenly sky, which I took over the Thanksgiving break while I was in Northeast Philadelphia.

After a bunch of hours of Google-ing different Photoshop techniques, I give you, "Meditation" -- wah-lah:

Someday I will master Photoshop. I just need to fool around with it a lot more. Then, I shall be a Photoshopping, meme-making wizard.

Halloween Spectacular

2010-10-26T21:28:00.004-04:00

With Halloween approaching, I beginning to get very excited for Second Floor Stand-up's first annual Halloween Spectacular! There's going to be some interesting stand-up comedy inside Carnegie Cinema this Thursday night at 9 on the University Park campus.

Instead of traditional stand-up comedy, the Second Floor is going to perform as characters.

Ghosts, politicians, monsters (so mainly politicians is what I'm trying to get at here)...

Huh.

We might as well throw a few stump speeches in there and see if we can sway some votes before the mid-term elections.

Anywho, it should be awesome.

And yes, Go Grapefruit! will be there delivering fresh, new sketch comedy.

So come check it out before we have to throw a Thanksgiving Day or National Pudding Day Show.

Blogger

2010-10-19T14:29:00.003-04:00

In my Feature Writing class we were asked to write a blog.

I am currently sitting in that class. It starts in two minutes.

Look at me blog.

Mom?

Are you looking?

I'm going to blog!

Here I go.

Er.

Actually, that was the blog.

Hooray! You made it to the end.

'Pump It!' by Go Grapefruit!

2010-10-05T23:27:00.002-04:00

Ian Tarbert, Matt Rainstein, Remington Law (not in this) and I make up the sketch team Go Grapefruit! This is our first sketch comedy show at Second Floor Stand-up in Carnegie Cinema (Oct. 1, 2010).

Second Floor's New Site

2010-09-15T01:41:00.005-04:00

Second Floor Stand-up has a new home on the Internet.

Since we have expanded from only stand-up comedy to radio, film (Studios) and sketch comedy, it was only fitting to change the site's name from secondfloorstandup.com to secondfloorcomedy.com.

My good friend, George Hayward, created one amazing website. Thanks George. "You da man."

Footballing For @PhillySportsDaily

2010-09-11T11:47:00.004-04:00

I wrote a feature on PSU-Bama for Philly Sports Daily.

Check it out below or on the site:

Penn State's Focus On Alabama

Fact: The attention of the Nittany Lions faithful has been on Tuscaloosa since the end of last season.

Sure, Joe Paterno may have told the media that Youngstown State was the primary focus for the Lions before a convincing 44–14 drubbing, led by true freshman quarterback Robert Bolden. But everyone from West Halls in Happy Valley to Philadelphia knew the Penguins didn’t stand a chance.

With Paterno’s selection of Bolden at quarterback – the first freshman in JoePa’s 45-year tenure to start a season opener at Penn State – hopes are relatively high as the No. 18-ranked Nittany Lions head south to face the defending national champion and top-ranked Alabama Crimson Tide.

With Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram still on the shelf after recovering from arthroscopic knee surgery and highly touted defensive end Marcell Dareus still serving his two-game NCAA suspension for improper agent benefits, the Nittany Lions may have a slightly easier road to travel.

With that said, the Lions are still playing a Nick Saban-coached Alabama squad hungry for another championship.

Also, take into account that Alabama beat up on San Jose State 48-3 as Penn State stumbled cautiously out of the gate. The Nittany Lions coaching staff babied Bolden into throwing tons of check-downs and screen passes during most of the first half until Youngstown State went on top of the Lions 7-3 midway through the second quarter. That’s when Bolden started flinging the ball around and looking like he belonged under center.

The Nittany Lions are going to have to step it up in the run game as well. Senior running back Evan Royster ran for only 40 yards on 11 carries thanks to pathetic line play.

Now that the Nittany Lions and Bolden have seen some game time, albeit against an FCS team, the attention of everyone within the bubble town that is State College, Pa., has the chance to say: Our focus is on Tuscaloosa.

If the Lions lose, well, who didn’t see that coming?

If the Lions win: Hello, 2008 victory over Ohio State in the Horseshoe, and hello riots in Beaver Canyon.

As a senior at Penn State, I know who the police are going to be rooting for. And as a senior at Penn State I hope I get one, if not three or four more chances to celebrate by watching a man in a chicken suit climb a streetlight.

Phroth Production Weekend A Success

2010-09-08T20:45:00.004-04:00

Did you read the title?

Well, we have completed our production for the first ever Freshman Phollegian.

Here is my last blog post from the production weekend that was.

And the Phroth Phlashback is complete.

President No More

2010-08-25T17:44:00.003-04:00

Good news!

I have spent an entire year as president and have not been assassinated.

At 10 p.m. tonight, Second Floor Stand-up shall have its new president.

I remember when I became president. It was great. I totally signed a piece of paper and submitted it to the HUB here at Penn State.

But alas, this year, we have turned to the democratic process.

The candidates are:

George Hayward
Kyle Dodson
Ryan Munshower
Rohan Ravipati
Remington Law
and
Alvin Greene

I hope Alvin Greene wins. His name is going to be first on the ballot and I'm pretty sure he's the most talented being a musician and all.

Just saying.

Anywho, I made TEAM HAYWARD, TEAM REMINGTON, TEAM MUNSH, TEAM ROHAN, MRS. PITT and TEAM DODSON shirts just in case my pick doesn't win --TEAM BSW.

I'm secretly holding out for that repeat, but will definitely be excited for whoever the next SFS president will be.

Good luck guys. Do me proud.

An Interview With Kevin Clark

2010-08-10T21:48:00.003-04:00

The following is an interview with my friend Kevin Clark.

Brandon: Hey Kevin, how are you?

Kevin: I'm fine. I'm playing a game. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just pushing buttons.

B: That's interesting, what game are you playing?

K: Sonic 2.

[pause]

Nah, I'm just playing. It's Madden. It's the game with the football players.

B:I see you have a lot of free time. How are you enjoying the summer?

K: This is the highlight of my summer.

B: What have you been up to?

K: Ummmm...well I was looking for a job and then I gave up because I couldn't find a job.

B: Interesting. What are your plans for the future?

K: Going back to school. Hope they got my tuition money. Then I'll be the graduating.

B: Thrilling. Thank you for your time.

K: Hey, don't we have to go to the movies now? Don't we have to get going?

B: Yeah, let's go.

We then went to see "Inception."

This Says It All

2010-08-06T23:47:00.003-04:00

Build On Past Success

2010-08-06T13:14:00.006-04:00

When a good thing ends.

Smile -- unless it's a marriage. Then, whatever, that sucks.

Time is not meant to dwell on the past. Sure, think about it, cherish it, but don't dwell.

People say all good things come to an end. I say, build on good things. Make the good things great.

Take your experiences and build on them. The sky is the limit.

Just a note: Make sure your base is steady before you keep building higher.

And pray to whatever God you worship, in whatever language you speak, that there are escalators on that thing.

If you're an atheist, I'm sure there will be stairs.

Consider Doing Something New

2010-08-05T16:44:00.005-04:00

I am considering a change.

I read this quote off some powerful Post Its arranged in a row on an eggshell-colored concrete wall.

"If you do what you always do, you will get what you always got."

These word resonated deep within my core.

If this was an Indie Film poster words and phrases like, "Imaginative," "Breathtaking, and "Thought provoking," would be emblazoned upon some American Apparel-clad teen as he looks off into the distance.

I spoke with my friend about this quote earlier this afternoon and she told me that when she interned for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, the interns asked Jon if he has gotten to where he wanted to be. He answered, if someone is comfortable with where they are, they need to strive for more and try harder.

My something new is doing the old, but building upon it. Make it even better and simultaneously find new projects.

As I wrap up my time in New York City, I am going to spend the next two weeks preparing for my senior year at Penn State -- this year is going to be big.

I'm going to make do something worthwhile and something different.

Always smile.

Always strive for more.

Love what you do.

Be proud.

Comparison: NYU Versus Penn State

2010-08-04T11:22:00.003-04:00

Throughout the last few months I have taken up residence in New York University's housing.

I would now like to compare my experience in NYU housing compared to my experience in Penn State housing.

Topics shall include accommodations, meal plans,amenities and location. Who shall reign supreme?

Accommodations

NYU
Exit the elevator and wind around an old hotel-style apartment building. The room can only be accessed once you walk down a frightening, narrow corridor. The doorway is an awkward tight squeeze. The room I was placed in has three beds and is quite spacious. The carpeting looks as though it has not been replaced since the '60s. The desks are made of a cheap, light-colored wood. The windows only crack an inch, if that -- there's apparently a big concern about suicide at NYU. Surprisingly, there is a full bathroom attached to the room. Even more so surprisingly, there was something growing underneath my roommates shower materials. I named him "Todd." Also, there is a walk-in closet. It has a smell about it. Perhaps an animal is underneath the floor boards. That being said, my one roommate and I saw a large mouse in the room. It scurried. That bastard.

Penn State
Exit the elevator and turn one corner. My room looked like every other room. Enter any given room and notice the desks are nailed down, the closet space is small, there's barely room for two beds and there are no girls anywhere to be seen. Yes, freshman year I lived in an all-male dormitory. Should I go on from there or stop right now? The floor was covered in tiles, some broken. The 10' X 12' prison was home. If you're asking yourself, "Where's the bathroom?" then you definitely have not been in many college dorms. I shared it with the 40 guys who lived on my floor. Tremendously thrilling. Let's move on.

Point goes to: NYU, but I don't really want to give a point to them because of the animal issue, coupled with the weird smells and Todd. Man that bathroom was dirty.

Meal Plan

NYU
Weinstein commons was great! For the first few days at least. Weinstein is a buffet that has everything from vegetarian options to Meat Lovers Pizza. So many options...that got so boring within the first two weeks. Luckily, Kimmel opened up midway through June. They had everything from vegetarian options to Meat Lovers Pizza! Sadly, that was the only other commons to open up all summer. Food was okay, not great, the bags of Doritos never tasted that bad.

Penn State
East Halls sucks -- except for Roxy's which was an a la carte restaurant which featured delicious cheese fries and greasy everything. West Halls, Redifer and South Halls all made up for what the East Halls buffet lacked. More variety equals more happiness. The freshman 15 was earned, but luckily there is a lot of walking to do at Penn State.

Point goes to: Penn State, even though the food meant for freshmen tasted as though it was reheated leftovers from West Halls that were defecated upon.

Amenities

NYU
No air conditioning in the summer. No fridge. No microwave. There was a bathroom. The second floor lounge had air conditioning, a ping pong table fully bedecked with broken paddles and dented balls, a pool table with some tears in the felt and a handful of broken cues and a TV area for people to relax.

Penn State
No air conditioning during winter. There was heat. Fridge existed. Microwave was there. Fridge and microwave were cumbersomely attached. There was no bathroom. The lounge was comprised of a ping pong table and a vending machine near the building's entrance.

Point goes to: Although I had to bring my own fridge and microwave, NYU did have a bathroom. Let's go with that.

Location

NYU
New York City.

Penn State
Clean air and room to breathe.

Point goes to: Depends on what you're looking for at this stage of your life.

Winner: NYU with a score of 2-1

Even though NYU was the winner today, let's all agree that living in college dorms are a depressing, awful experience that everyone should have to experience.

So Many Questions

2010-08-03T00:20:00.003-04:00

I like to ask questions. Some say questions can be stupid. Others say questions are a sign of brightness. Yet others say questions as though they are statements (I'm looking at those of you from Pittsburgh).

Here are a list of questions I'd like to find answers to:

Why did Rachael and Monica not wear bras in most 'Friends' episodes?

Why is Indigo a well-known member of the color spectrum?

What city do the Golden State Warriors play?

Why is Jon Lovitz so good?

How come we all can't get along?

Where is the Metroid Prime Meridian?

Where is the Optimus Prime Meridian?

Why do jokes need three beats to work?

When is the right time to stop a list joke?

Is it now?

See what i mean about the beat thing?

Three Places

2010-07-31T14:01:00.003-04:00

One week in New York.
Going to Philly after.
Then it's off to State.

A Home, Taken Away

2010-07-29T23:48:00.003-04:00

We are refugees.

We are on our own, waiting.

We are Penn State's, now nomadic, stand-up comedy organization.

Second Floor Stand-up has called Carnegie Cinema its home for the last two semesters. The Cinema was our niche, our space, our stage, our home.

At about ten in the morning today I read an e-mail from administration within the HUB-Robeson Center at Penn State which stated that our meeting space and our performance space is no longer rent-able through the university.

Although I e-mailed back asking for an explanation, up until this point, none has been given.

So where shall we go? Carnegie was perfect for stand-up comedy.

In the coming weeks, our choices will be laid out, we may have to get a tad creative, but in the end, everything happens for a reason.

We'll wander for a bit, but the show(s) must go on.

Will we ever grace the Carnegie Cinema stage again?

My UCB Profile Page

2010-07-22T21:57:00.002-04:00

I would like you to check out my Upright Citizens Brigade profile page when you get a chance. I've trained at UCB and plan to continue to train at UCB as the years go on.

"Don't think" is there motto.

I write sketches though.

A Time Spent

2010-07-11T23:30:00.003-04:00

Over the last two weeks I spent my personal time with my family and my friends. These are the people that matter most.

Going home is sweet when you look back on it.

Going back to college is sweet as well.

Both experiences, in hindsight, make you think.

These are the people that helped make me who I am. My mom, dad, girlfriend, best friends, acquaintances, college roommate, girlfriend's roommate, siblings, friends who have graduated and everyone in between.

Lunch with grandmom, "Twilight: Eclipse" with my girlfriend, hiking to the top of Mt. Nittany to view Fourth of July fireworks, baseball games at Medlar Field, walking around Arts Fest, celebrating a graduation, laughing, going to a Wal Mart, hugging, holding hands,taking part in a second anniversary, eating at the diner, sitting in the arboretum.

I did so much with so many wonderful and special people. It was the best two weeks I've had this summer. It will be hard to top, but I'm optimistic.

As the summer is in mid swing, I cannot wait to make more of these great memories. New York City is fun, enticing and new, but nothing beats dipping my feet in a fountain in the middle of Pennsylvania and holding hands with someone special.

Lacking -Must Blog- Sleep

2010-07-02T01:26:00.004-04:00

For the last several weeks, I don't know if I've been on New York time, or putting off sleep because, well, comedy can't be written while I sleep.

It's low grade insomnia which could lead to high grade mono, but this owl-like disease has been creeping into my life ever so slowly. With my time as Phroth head writer looming off into the not-to-distant future, the desire to read article after article on TheOnion.com, the craving to think of witty stand up and stage material, the satisfaction that comes from writing scripts for UCB and all of that coupled with the fact that night time is "write time" equals a very tired Brandon in the morning.

I should be begging for sleep. I have traveled from New York to Philadelphia to State College within the last handful of days and I have written a good deal of satirical headlines, created and recreated, and recreated, a comedic script and tried to ponder what material I should work on for the Second Floor Stand-up Open Closed Mic Showstravaganza which will be held next Friday, right here in Happy Valley.

Yes, like always, comedy is very much so on the brain.

Should I turn it off and head to sleep?

Nah, I'm no where near done.

Yours,

Brandon Scott Wolf

Ochi's Lounge at Comix

2010-06-21T20:12:00.004-04:00

On a Wednesday night about three weeks ago, I performed at Ochi's Lounge at Comix. This is one of the most premiere locations for a young comic to hit up while he's tackling the New York comedy scene.

After performing at a few of New York's comedy venues, including the New York Comedy Club last night, I'm going to do my best to get on as many shows as possible within the next month or so.

That means, this Wednesday night I will make my triumphant return to Ochi's Lounge! Hooray!

Love,

Brandon

This Blows: My Phone's Condition Worsens

2010-06-20T16:54:00.004-04:00

If you could connect my phone to a heart rate monitor it would just be at that level where you could hear the flat line go off.

The only issue with that sentence would be that my phone cannot connect to anything.

The charging port to my cell phone no longer works. This means my phone is almost worthless.

I've been living with this horrible phone condition for nearly one year. It started off simple. The connection from my charger to the port was a tad fidgety. Then, I went to the Verizon store.

It wasn't looking good.

It was only one year after purchasing my new Chocolate 3 flip phone when he started taking ill.

After numerous trips to the Verizon store, they said they couldn't do anything. No medication to quell the pain. Nothing.

And on top of that, I had to cope with the fact that I needed to buy a new phone. I didn't want to do it this way. I didn't want to simply get a new phone.

I told them I'd stick it out. My phone would be by my side until the end.

That's what I said.

That's what I said up until yesterday when I realized the end has finally come.

I need to get a new phone. It's time to move on. It's time to get a new phone.

But still, I fight with myself. The innermonologue continues. With the purchase of a new phone comes another 2-year plan, and with that, comes A DATA PLAN.

$29.99 for a data plan.

Is it worth it?

I need to figure this out. For now, I am sans phone. For those of you who don't get that there fancy talk means my phone went to shit and now I'm free.

Time to grieve, hit the bar scene and find myself a new phone...at the Verizon store, of course.

21.

2010-06-08T16:34:00.002-04:00

In less than eight hours, I will be 21 years old.

Let that soak in a moment.

Has it soaked in yet?

...

Alright, how about now?

Still, no?

Okay, well your time to soak is up.

If you know me, or if you have casually come across this blog, know that I am in my waning hours of my underage youth. I am reveling in youth in anticipation to revel in "I don't want to move," tomorrow.

As the minutes tick by I inch closer to June 9th.

Life has many milestones, and this is definitely one of them.

So let's go over the plan:

1. Shave beard to insure carding.

2. Bring I.D.

3. Leave apartment at 11:45 p.m.

4. Walk to local New York bar(s) with friends

5. Midnight arrival

6. Order first beer

7. Drinlkhjfksdjhfljnlaf

And here we go.

In Depth Interviews with Russell Brand & Jonah Hill

2010-06-03T19:56:00.007-04:00

About one-and-a-half months ago I had the opportunity to interview Russell Brand and Jonah Hill for ten minutes each. The interviews were originally published on Phroth Magazine's blog shortly after I met up with Russell and Jonah. Since their new film, Get Him To The Greek, will be out in theaters as of midnight tonight, I figured there would be no better time to post this than now. Also, when you're done reading my blog, check out the hilarious material Phroth has to offer here. But first, enjoy the interviews.

‘Get Them to the Premiere 12,’ In depth interviews with Russell Brand and Jonah Hill

As the ‘Campus U’ Marketing Representative for Universal Studios in the State College area, it was my goal to get more votes than any other schools in the Big Ten Conference. After 7,427 votes, The Pennsylvania State University won the Get Him to the Greek Challenge which brought Russell Brand, Jonah Hill and a screening of their yet-to-be-released movie to Happy Valley. As the Phollegian Editor for Phroth Magazine, I was able to go one-on-one with Russell and Jonah and talk to them about the film, their impressions of State College and so much more.

Interview with Russell Brand

What is your first impression of State College?

I think it’s a lively place. People seem up for it, vivacious and ready for fun. I liked it.

Did you get to go around town?

Not much, I had to go to bed straight after it [the movie screening]. It’s not good for me to be let loose in an environment where people are hormonal.

What did you think of the crowd who viewed your new movie Get Him to the Greek at the Premiere 12 Theatre?

Really, they seemed very enthusiastic about the movie and enthusiastic about life in general, which gave them early announcement in which they, themselves were alcoholics. Which is a cause for great, great optimism in me. If these people drink that much and keep this amount of enthusiasm for life, then there is hope for our future.

Minutes before entering the theater, I advised you to yell, “We Are,” three times to the crowd and say, “Thank You,” after the audience responded. How do you think that went over?

I was very happy with the, “We Are.” I could’ve done with more work on the, “We Are.”

There definitely could have been more rehearsal time.
Much more, because I was never fully confident we’d reach the final, “We Are,” and then I was panicking about the, “Thank You.” Then I wasn’t sure if I had to say the, “You’re Welcome,” or it was them. So, for given that it is a relatively simple song, one wonders how I would cope with Rachmaninov, or one of the great speeches of Roosevelt, given that, “We Are, We Are, We Are,” was baffling.

How did you get your start as a stand-up comic and how did you get involved in films?

What happened was I went to drama school to get trained as a straight actor, a place called Drama Centre in London, which is the closest thing in Europe to the Lee Strausberg School in New York. It’s a very method based place, very serious, a lot of crying in the nude type acting. Get your clothes off and cry and then you’ll be an actor.

If you wanted to be cast in a serial killer role you would have to kill 17-or-so people before you could truly get into the part.

Exactly, so if you wanted to be in Seven, you’d have to do seven themed murders.

So you wouldn’t have any qualms with killing Gwyneth Paltrow and then putting her head in a box?

I wouldn’t do that because I would save that for the actual movie. What I’d do is murder someone who I thought was dopey, someone who I thought was bashful and then someone who I thought was sneezey in preparation for a more deadly sin-based spree of killings.

When I was in school I was a bit loopy and crazy and on drugs so I got thrown out, and when I got thrown out, me and my mate who was also there started doing sketches and stuff, and he’s gone on to be a successful comedy actor in England, Karl Theobold. He does a short role in fact in the Greek. He’s the person who opens the door to Jonah and kisses him twice. That’s my mate, Karl. Me and him were in a double act when I got thrown out of drama school.
After that I did stand up on my own because I started to realize that if it’s just you, you’re alright. That’s why I like stand-up comedy. It is the equivalent of being a Clint Eastwood character. You’re a gunslinger, you’re a lone wolf, you’re out there on the plains of stand-up comedy. Instead of having a pistol, you have a microphone. It’s just you, there, in your boots.

What would you tell an aspiring humorist, satirist, comedy writer or stand-up comic?

I’ll give you the advice that Eddie Izzard gave me when I started out. Don’t judge yourself until you’ve done at least 100 gigs. A hundred gigs before you can even go, “Are you any good or not?” So them hundred gigs could suck, or them 99 gigs could suck, and for me, personally, what’s personally important to me is being authentic and personal.

It’s impossible not to be influenced by the great stand-up comedians, most of which are American, my personal favorite practitioners are those of the likes of Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinnison, Eddie Izzard, Betty Connelly, like these are the people that touched me. What all of them are, is true to themselves and have unique voices. So you have to find the thing that’s unique about you and be like, “Oh that’s good. I like the way Richard Pryor said that story about how he set his hair on fire.” For me, it’s all about authenticity and truth because then you’ll know you’ll have something unique.

My main issue when I started performing was to keep myself from emulating comedians that I look up to like Kyle Cease, Nick Swardson and Noel Fielding. The main thing I’ve been trying to do is to find my comedic niche… and I noticed as soon as I said Noel Fielding, your eyes lit up.

Yeah, I love Noel and I miss him a bit. Yeah, he’s been a good friend of mine for ages and I love The [Mighty] Boosh and I loved The Boosh before I was friends with him, really, and since then I’ve done a lot of things with TV things with him and a lot of live things with him. He’s a person you could lose yourself in his imagination. You know when I do radio shows with him I can’t concentrate on the time or when the news is coming up because like we had a producer who was an insomniac, right, and I was like let’s not worry Nick, the producer, cause he’s an insomniac and Noel was like, he’s not an insomniac, when I got here he was asleep, curled up like a little white kitten in a basket. I like it that he had that image of a little white kitten in a basket available to hand. When you think of a sleeping thing to immediately have white kitten curled up in a basket, the detail of a white kitten is good. He’s a guy who elevates you, same thing with Jonah Hill. You know, when you’re working with people who are quick like that, you have to tune in.

You mentioned Jonah Hill and radio, so I might as well combine two questions I had for you. What is your favorite way to express yourself, stand up, television, radio, film and who has been your favorite person to work with?

Stand-up comedy is my favorite thing because of the autonomy. You don’t have to worry about no one else, the lights, or studio, and it’s just you. That’s what I prefer and you can always go back to it.

In terms of people who’ve I’ve enjoyed working with, Jonah is amazing to work with, and I haven’t done that many films, so sort of Jason [Segal] and Jonah are the main people I’ve worked with. Then I’ve enjoyed working with a lot of other people across mediums. Noel Fielding, as you’ve mentioned, Noel Gallagher, from Oasis and stuff. I used to do a chat show on MTV and I interviewed [Adam] Sandler and that was wicked, and Will Ferrell, as well. Working with them people who have been doing comedy for decades, and they’re like sharp people, packing a punch from the past.

For Get Him to the Greek, what was your favorite part of the production? Was it working with Jonah, reviewing the script, acting, working with [Sean] Puffy [Combs]?

Jonah I reckon, because that’s the comedic heart of the movie, the comedic heart of our relationship in the movie.

What’s the difference between a US audience and let’s say, and audience in Australia, or the UK or anywhere else in the world?

I’m not entirely sure because when you’ve worked in a lot of different countries, Brandon, say you work in New York, it’s really not that different from working in London, which is not that different from Sydney or Melbourne. Big cities are similar, right, but small or more provincial areas have a similarity as well. America has a very particular identity, because the core of popular culture is American. So there is something about that. People here know that they are at the core of something. They know that this is where culture is being generated from.
I think through the practice of comedy, or anything really, you’ll start to see that there are similarities with people that far outweigh the differences.

Almost everyone who attends Penn State is from either Pittsburgh or Philadelphia. Which city do you like better and/or would you rather live in?

I’ve been to Philadelphia, I’ve ran up them Rocky steps. I was briefly in an addiction clinic in Philadelphia for one month, so I suppose, if I had to have an affinity, I would choose Philadelphia. Also, because of Rocky. Mostly Rocky-based prejudices.

Where do you go from here?

I’m making a movie, Arthur, about a billionaire drunk who marries to inherit his fortune and then falls in love with another woman. I got this, Despicable Me, cartoon coming out and I’m the playing the Easter Bunny as the only animated character in the film I Hop. It’s a live action movie made by the people who created the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie. Also, The Tempest, is a Shakespeare film I’m in and next year I’m going to be in a film called, Bad Father, in which I wrote with Happy Madison which is Sandler’s production company.

And stand up. I will always love stand up, because it’s cool.

Interview with Jonah Hill

First off, Superbad. Great film, or greatest film ever? Go.

I really love that movie. It’s undeniably a really funny movie and the whole experience of making it with all of my really close friends, we were all together, and it was such a memorable experience. I will remember it for the rest of my life.

Speaking of close friends, since you’ve been in Get Him to the Greek and gone on tour with Russell, have you formed a close friendship with him?

We get closer every day. I think, you know, he’s a great guy, and shooting a movie, you don’t always get to spend time just hanging out, but on the press tours you get a better chance to just hang out. It’s been really great just spending time with Russ.

Working with people like Adam Sandler and Michael Cera, who would you say you enjoy working with the most and who do you want to continue to work with in the future?

I mean, it’s hard to say. Seth Rogen, Michael Cera and Judd Apatow are probably, and Nick Stoller, [Paul] Rudd and Jason Segal, we just have a great group of friends, and now Russell. We kind of just became really great friends. I like working with my friends and I think it’s because A) we respect each others’ work and B) we like hanging out.

What would you tell an aspiring humorist, satirist, comedy writer or stand-up comic?

If comedy is the route you want to go, just work harder than anybody else. When it comes down to it, at the end of the day, if you work hard you’ll get where you want to be. Let’s say, if you do stand up, do stand up, write stand up every night. Do stand up as many times as you can get up there. You know, I’m not a stand-up comedian, I’ve never done that, but especially if you’re a writer, write every day. That’s what I did.

How did you get noticed? How did your scripts get out there?

I would write one-act plays when I lived in New York and I just got better and better and when I couldn’t find an actor to play the part that was supposed to be me, I just did it. So I just did it myself and that’s when I got better as a writer because I’d have to do something every week. I put something new up every week. It’s all about practice and trial and error. Some of them are going to suck and some of them are going to be good, but don’t care what people think because if you do become successful, everyone’s going to have a judgment of you. All you can do is try to get better at what you’re trying to do. If you’re genuine and you really want it and you work hard at it every day and you work harder than anybody else, you will find success. Whatever you define success as for yourself.

What are your thoughts of State College overall?

It’s great. I mean, you guys voted on us to be here so for me that’s the greatest thing ever to meet the people who support the movies and support me because it sounds cheesy, but the people who go see and support your movies are the reason why you have a job. I just appreciate the people who give a shit enough to want me to be here. So it’s really nice to get face to face with the people who want to meet me.

Penn State won the Demand It competition by garnering over 7,000 votes to bring you, Russell and the screening to State College. Obviously it would be impossible to meet all of those people in the short time you are hear, but what would you like to say to the people who didn’t see you at the screening or around town?

I’m just really sorry you guys couldn’t get into the screening. That really sucks, but I’m sure we’ll meet someday and hopefully get to hang out.

What was your favorite part of the Get Him to the Greek experience? Was it writing, acting, production, creative development?

I just know you have to make sure your character feels honest and your character feels different from other characters. You just got to make sure that you’re doing your best in every possible scene and Nick Stoller, the director, the collaborator, is a really talented film maker. You just have to show up to work and be inspired. Leave no stone unturned, leave no area unexplored and just go for it. Don’t pussy out on anything.

Why don’t pussy out? You said that at the screening when someone asked you about the scene where your ass was exposed.

You can’t just be gross. You can’t just be vulgar. There has to be some intelligence behind it. I’m not talking about just showing my ass because that’s a rather crude joke, but I just think you have to go for it.

Would you put yourself in an Evil Kenevil-type category? A daredevil comedian?

I think, when your fans go and see a movie, they want to feel like it was hardcore for us to make and that will make them laugh harder. I personally don’t want to watch a film I’ve been in and know, “Oh, I pussied out in that scene.” People will enjoy the movie more if they know we went all out. I don’t ever want to say, “I should’ve gone further, or explored my character more, or done something differently.” If you watch it and you do go all the way, you get to say, “Alright, I gave it 100 percent.”

There is one particular scene in the movie where I could not stop laughing. Essentially, you and Russell destroy a hotel room. How was it filming that scene and how long did it take you?

Weeks. It took weeks to shoot that scene. That’s my favorite sequence in the film. I think it’s the funniest and the most exciting and yeah, it was a big sequence and we knew it was going to be good, but I think Nick really shaped the scene in a way where it gave it energy and it really gave the scene its shape in the right way. The whole movie has a great energy to it, and I think it is very fast paced and it’s a really energetic film.

I also noticed that you in particular vomited quite a bit throughout the film. How come you kept getting sick and Russell didn’t vomit once?

We wanted to express…

Through vomit.

…through vomit…what it would be like to party with a rock star. This guy thinks it is going to be amazing and cool, but he ends up just getting sick and depressed the whole time. We wanted to show that it took years of partying to become rock star status. This guy was sitting at home watching Gossip Girl with his girlfriend and then he realizes he can’t make it in the rock star lifestyle.

How do you party? Is the life of a comedy writer anything like a rock star?

When I was your age [20] I used to throw down with the best of them. I’m 26 now, and not saying that’s old, but I’ve definitely settled down. You know, I’m really focused on my job, you know. So you can’t really party and then wake up at 6 a.m. and shoot [for a movie] and do press. When I was 17 through 22 I definitely got my, let’s say, I took care of the partying.

So what’s next on the agenda for Jonah Hill? What movies are you working on and who do you want to work with?

In my next film I’m actually going to be acting in more of a drama. I’ll be working with Brad Pitt in a film called, Moneyball, and I will be co-starring in it. I have this movie called, Cyrus, coming out which I’m really proud of and I play alongside John C. Reilly and Marissa Tomei.

As for people I want to work with, Wes Anderson, Spike Jones and Paul Thomas Anderson.

Alright, any final words for Penn State and State College?

I think Penn State is a great place. I love that it seems like the students run the whole town, which is such a great feeling to go somewhere and feel like young people run the town. This place is truly alive and that’s great. It’s a really cool vibe especially when you’re like, “Wow, the animals have taken over the kingdom.” That’s great and that’s what my ideal society would be like.

More of the same? Good or bad?

2010-06-01T20:23:00.004-04:00

The term "more of the same," seems rather dull and complacent. Depending on what the phrase is referring to is another story unto itself.

For instance, more of the same is bad when it comes to:

1. Celebrity deaths
1a. Celebrity deaths that you personally care about
1b. Celebrity deaths that you're accused of stalking
1c. Celebrity deaths that you're accused of killing
1d. When you kill someone you think is a celebrity, but you become infamous for killing celebrity look-a-likes

2. Losing another raffle

3. Executing a cartwheel improperly

4. Vomiting on an elementary school desk and then again when you're 34

6. Poor performances on math exams

7. Eating the same, average, bland cafeteria "food" on the daily

8. Accidentally eating cat food

9. Clumsily knocking that guy over when he's in his wheelchair

10. Sky-diving incidents

11. Predictable lists

13. Like I mean, really bad at math

Anywho, you guys get the point.

More of the same can be good though. If you click this link. It will lead you to my brand-spankin' new Tumblr account. You'll get similar material that you're used to on my Blogger site, but with a different feel --it won't be a "feel" in a weird way either. Not like that time your Uncle Jefferson...

So in the words of the Pennsylvania Department Of Transylvania*, "Click it, or ticket."

*I'll try and get a vampire-related blog up there soon to appease the dark master.

Down 3-0 and then down 3-0

2010-05-15T01:48:00.007-04:00

We all saw history made today. An NHL highlight/story was featured on SportsCenter for a full eight minutes. That's right, you heard it here first. ESPN analyzed and broke down hockey. On television.

What was the reason behind this miracle? The Philadelphia Flyers completed one of the biggest, if not the biggest, comeback in North American sports history.

With their backs against the wall, the Philadelphia Flyers dug themselves out of a 3-0 hole against the Boston Bruins in a best of seven playoff series. Not only did they tie the series up at three games a piece, but they promptly fell behind three goals in the deciding game seven, and I was there, well, sort of.

The game was played in Boston, but I was in the Wachovia Center in Philly watching the game alongside my friends and about ten thousand other crazed Philadelphia fans. The emotions inside of that building were frightening at points. People screamed obscenities, ran up and down hallways, hung their heads low, threw beer cans, cheered, screamed, bellowed, cried, fist pumped and pounded their hands against the glass.

The fans were in a frenzy as the puck dropped, but as soon as Boston scored those goals, the air let out of the balloon so to speak.

What happened from there was nothing short of story-telling perfection. The best Hollywood writers couldn't script it any better. A cataclysm of the series occurred. One goal after another, after another helped tie up the game, and finally, in the face of adversity, the Philadelphia Flyers toppled their opponents winning the game and series 4-3.

Is it fate? Is it luck? Is it skill? Whatever it is, I'm taking this win to heart. Even when your back is to the wall or even if you think life cannot get worse, you can always get back to where you want to be.

Now, I would say that that is a pretty good lesson to learn, but I also like the idea that if you corner a wild animal, they're going to attack...and more than likely kill you. That's a more violent lesson to be had, so I'll stick with that one.

Next on my almost improbable sports agenda:

Go State! Beat Bama!

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The Flyers picture is courtesy of my good friend Steve Whyno.

The Woody Allen Line

2010-05-10T17:58:00.011-04:00

Last night I watched the Academy Award-winning Best Picture circa 1977, Annie Hall, with one of my best college friends, Dan Sepe, and my girlfriend, Michelle.

The days are winding down here at Penn State. Michelle's sophomore year is over, my junior year has come to an end and Dan is waiting to get his diplomas so he can officially enter the "real world" -- which I hear is nothing like the MTV show.

But before we all go our separate ways, we sat down and watched arguably one of Woody Allen's best films. Although I do enjoy the comedic-drama that is Annie Hall, I absolutely love some of Allen's other, full-blown comedic pieces, which include Sleeper and Take the Money and Run. In fact, Woody Allen is one of the key comedic influences that has pushed me this far in life. It's awkward Jewish humor at its best.

But, I digress, what really got me motivated to write up this blog was one particular line in Annie Hall.

"Yeah, why not, because we're just gonna go home later, right, and then there's gonna be all that tension, we've never kissed before and I'll never know when to make the right move or anything. So we'll kiss now and get it over with, and then we'll go eat. We'll digest our food better."

The pressures of a first kiss can make someone nervous. Although I do have a girlfriend, and our two year anniversary is approaching in July, I can still relate to this line...and you can probably, too. Don't push things off. If something needs to get done, by all means do it. If you don't reach in for that kiss, if you don't register for that class or if you don't make that move to the big city now, you may never have that chance again.

This summer, I was lucky enough to be accepted as an editorial intern at The Onion "America's Finest News Source." Where are they located? New York City. Where am I now? State College, Pa. Where is home, home for me? Philadelphia.

I weighed my options. Will I ever be able to live at NYU and work for The Onion if I don't now? Would I have a girlfriend now if I didn't make that bracelet then?

"So we'll kiss now and get it over with," and there's your answer.

Brandon's Final Advice via Phroth Magazine

2010-05-05T18:46:00.002-04:00

Well, we're well into finals week here at Dear Old State and the good people at Phroth gave me a chance to write up some advice for those of you with finals still on your daily agenda.

If you're at Penn State's main campus within the next week, check out my advice in print and read the other hilarious finals articles from other Phroth writers while you poop in one of the many HUB bathrooms, awkwardly look for a sublet on a campus bulletin board and/or fail your finals in one of our luxurious (sometimes the opposite of luxurious) classrooms around our university.

Just remember to be optimistic during this dreaded week. You only have one final left and it's only for that Landscape Architecture class you're taking as an art elective because you thought it would be more fun than taking that course on Elvis Presley (INART 200 (GA) The Popular Arts in America: Elvis Presley - The King of Rock and Roll (3) The significance and influence of Elvis Presley as an artist and cultural force focusing on his recordings and major performances.
Effective: Spring 2007) that the university offers.

Without further ado, here are my thoughts on taking finals at Penn State.

Finals Advice – Please only read the advice for your year. Phroth prints the same advice every year and we don’t want you to deviate from “The Plan.” Thank you and good luck during finals week.

By Brandon Scott Wolf

To Freshman:

So it’s Sunday, May 2, and finals start tomorrow morning. If you’re a freshman, you have three more years to climb this mountain and that Vlad in your fridge is going to cause you a lot more trouble when your parents find it come Friday. Don’t be irresponsible. Drink it. Remember, you have three long years to boost that GPA and you’re not looking for a job yet. Please, relax. Don’t get stressed out by your first end-of-the-year finals. This isn’t life or death. You can always repeat your freshman year general education classes, but you’ll never get the chance to retake that final week in East Halls.

To Sophomores:

You probably have a major already lined up. You might be taking a final for a class in your major, who knows? Let’s just say, we all know the general education finals are a breeze. Do what we told the freshman to do last year, and relax. You’ve been in their shoes before, so drink the fifth of tequila you just bought and you should be set for that piece-of-torta Spanish 3 final at 8 a.m. – of course you knew, torta means cake. Your’re no dummy. Let the finals fiesta begin-o.

To Juniors:

Don’t fuck this up again. Remember how much tequila you drank? We said to finish the bottle last year, not open up a second one. Good luck getting that paid internship after assaulting those two cops and pissing down the front steps of Pattee-Paterno Library. Get your shit together.

To Seniors:

You’ve had four long years to get to where you are, and you couldn’t have done it without alcohol. Sure your liver isn’t in the best shape, but you’re not dead yet. You’re out of here in a week – college and the hospital bed. Finals? What finals? You’re over 21. You’re practically an adult, and you don’t need to deal with this anymore. That job at the King of Prussia Macy’s will be there for you whether you get that “college” degree. You can count on it.

To Graduating Seniors:

You didn’t listen at all.

Outstanding New Student Organization

2010-04-25T22:34:00.010-04:00

Second Floor Stand-up won Penn State's Outstanding New Student Organization award. I'm totally psyched:

Thank you to everyone who has helped our great club!

We GOT THEM TO THE GREEK...

2010-04-21T01:44:00.006-04:00

Well, it wasn't exactly the Greek Theatre in Los Angeles, but the Premiere 12 Theatre in State College, PA, had their chance to see a FREE advanced screening of Universal Studios' GET HIM TO THE GREEK starring Russell Brand and Jonah Hill. Not only that, but the stars themselves came to Happy Valley!

It's pretty late right now, but I wanted to throw an initial blog post up to show you a little bit of how cool and rewarding my last few days were.

Besides getting the cast to come to PSU, Universal and I put together the screening and the in-theater, question-and-answer segment. Also, I personally interviewed both Russell and Jonah for Phroth Magazine (that blog will be up sometime in the near future) and hosted a meet and greet on the HUB-Robeson Center lawn with the help of Second Floor Stand-up earlier today. We were the best make-shift security money didn't buy...and I'm happy to say, no one was physically assaulted.

My job as an event planner, satirist, journalist, security patrol man and assistant to Universal/Jonah/Russell has pretty much come to an end, but I had an amazing time and hope to work with everyone in some capacity again.

Both Russell and Jonah gave me great advice on stand-up comedy, comedy writing and getting where you want to go in life, but I'll flesh that out once the Phroth post is up.

Just as a small appetizer, here is a sensual picture of Russell and me.

XOXO

Gossip Girl...

Brandon

The Collegian: Comedy stars to visit

2010-04-06T12:02:00.004-04:00

"Got to Eventful.com, select competitions and vote to bring RUSSELL BRAND and JONAH HILL to PENN STATE for FREE."

Since Penn State's Spring Break began, I have been battling the 'Campus U' Marketing Representative to get the GET HIM TO THE GREEK cast to our respective universities.

As we jockeyed for position, times looked bleak, but in the end, Penn State pulled out the W.

Slapping posters up in East Halls, downtown State College and everywhere I could think, I hit the streets to make sure everyone knew about this contest. Is it SPAM if we win? A lot of people thought I was SPAMMING the intrnetz, but it's only SPAM if you're not a success.

In the end, we won, by less than a handful of votes. With one minute left in the contest, PSU was up by one vote. ONE VOTE!!!! The last count I saw 7,427 votes for Penn State.

I was elated. After the winning schools were announced I grabbed a bunch of great friends and headed for celebratory Chipotle burritos. If the competition failed to give me stomach pains, the burritos surely would.

Then, my phone exploded with messages. Several "congrats" and "aw,yeahs!" came pouring in. Then the phone calls hit. My Universal contact in Hollywood told me that Eventful.com officially announced Penn State as the BIG TEN winner and that I'm going to need to start planning this event now.

A FREE SCREENING OF "GET HIM TO THE GREEK" AND APPEARANCES BY RUSSELL BRAND AND JONAH HILL!

And then, the local student newspaper, The Daily Collegian called. Here's what they put on the front page, top of the fold.

For the 7,426 other people who voted. Thank you. Once I get tickets and information about the event, you all will be the first to know. I cannot wait to meet RUSSELL BRAND and JONAH HILL! I'm so excited about this that their names were just written in CAPS!

It's getting closer...

2010-03-24T00:37:00.004-04:00

SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY! PENN STATE'S COMEDY TEAM IS SET TO TAKE ON TEMPLE UNIVERSITY TO FIND OUT WHICH CAMPUS HAS THE BEST STAND-UP COMEDIANS! AND KIDS SEATS ARE STILL FIVE BUCKS...well...SEATS FOR 18+ ARE STILL FIVE BUCKS!

The eight funniest comics at Penn State are facing off against TU's funniest ocho in a comedic bare-knuckle brawl on Sunday, April 28th, and I'll be damned if PSU doesn't come out on top. Not only does Second Floor Stand-up house the funniest and best college stand-up comedians in the United States (we'll find out who's best later, CANADA), but this is our chance to prove it.

So we'll bring our jokes, and they'll bring their jokes, and we'll find out who the world thinks is funnier during the first round of online voting held between April 22nd and the 26th. VOTE STATE! BEAT TEMPLE! http://www.rooftopcomedy.com/college/

Almost 2 a.m.

2010-03-07T01:33:00.002-05:00

Like the title says, it is almost 2 a.m. here in the suburbs of Philly. I just got home from a great stand-up comedy set at the Comedy Cabaret near my house.

Normally after a successful show in State College, the Second Floor comics and our friends go out for a victory dinner. If a show was successful, the comics travel to McDonald's. If the show didn't go so well, we head to Chili's to pick our spirits back up. But what to do after a successful SFS road show?

After tonight's show at the Comedy Cabaret in Philadelphia, Dan Sepe and I celebrated our combined excellence by going to Sonic. Nothing says success like a footlong chili cheese dog. Also, nothing says failure quite like a footlong chili cheese dog.

Mmmmmm...food for thought I suppose.

Shout it from the ROOFTOP: SFS at the Comedy Cabaret

2010-03-06T01:42:00.010-05:00

Absolutely awesome news coming out of State College. I along with seven other Second Floor Stand-up comics were chosen as PENN STATE'S FUNNIEST STAND-UP COMICS 2010.

With our powers combined, we form...CAPTAIN PLANET! And by that I mean we are Penn State's stand-up comedy team for RooftopComedy.com's National College Comedy Competition 2010.

Being considered one of the best stand-up comics at Penn State, a university with over 40,000 undergraduate students, is a huge honor. I am so happy to be on the short list of funny guys including Josh Lederman, Jason Ho, Kyle Dodson, Matt Rainstein, Steve Hlywak, Greg Tarbell and the very funny Mr. Dan Sepe.

And that sets up a perfect segue as we say in "the business." Second Floor Stand-up, and by that I mean myself and Dan Sepe, are going to be performing at the Comedy Cabaret in Northeast Philly tomorrow night. If you want to see a preview of the NCCC 2010 match between PSU and Temple University on March 28 at Helium Comedy Club, come out and enjoy a night of PSU laughs in a more un-Penn State venue.

One last thing before I head out. Dan and I along with the help of the Second Floor Studios crew put together a real short video. Check us out in The 'Tardy Boys: Case of the missing pudding. I'll be honest, if you love dumb humor, you'll love this. If you don't...well, alright. You know, sometimes you can laugh at something and it doesn't have to make sense.

Recap:

1. I am part of the PSU comedy team in RooftopComedy.com's NCCC 10 competition. I am on the list of the eight funniest comedians at Penn State. Sweet I know. I'm hungry. I want to compete. Show the nation that PSU and Second Floor Stand-up is the best group of college-aged stand-up comics in the country. The process will start on March 28 in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and hopefully end in triumph on June 11-ish in Aspen, Colorado.

2. Dan Sepe and I are performing at the Northeast Philly Comedy Cabaret tomorrow night at 9 p.m. Come at least a half hour early. It's 18+.

3. 'Tardy Boys.

Welcome to today

2010-03-03T18:00:00.003-05:00

Hey yo, what up?

Baaaaaaaaaller.

Good news. Internship interviews are starting to come in, stand-up comedy is picking up and the April Fool's Day Phollegian is almost done and on its way.

Penn State is going great for me right now. Swamped with homework, exams and papers, but smiling through it all. Spring break is this Friday.

Q: How will I celebrate?

A: By going home to Philadelphia where it's not always sunny, but it sure is probably a bit warmer than arctic State College. I swear I saw a polar bear the other day. Then I realized I was staring at a coke bottle.

Anyways, to answer your question, yes. I will be performing stand-up comedy over the break.

Besides tomorrow night's Second Floor Stand-up (SFS) show in Carnegie Cinema here at dear old state, I will be performing thrice at the Comedy Cabaret in Northeast Philly. The dates are: Saturday, March 6, Friday, March 12 and Saturday, March 13.

Check out this here link. It will give you more information on the show and how to get tickets. Also a note to point out, the Comedy Cabaret says I'm from "College Station, PA." I think they might not know it's State College, Pa.

Whatever the case may be, I gave you happiness, polar bears (which in some countries is equal to or great than happiness) and dates for you to see me in Philadelphia within the coming weeks!

Have a happy Wednesday evening everybody. I've got a Phroth meeting to attend!

Love you.

p.s. And a big thank you to Mr. Ryan Munshower for being great!

Get ready to dance Joe

2010-02-19T00:23:00.002-05:00

Joe is dancing.

That's not a weird statement if you are in the Penn State University Park area right now. A lot of people are dancing.

THON is tomorrow after all.

That's right, my roommate is going to be on his feet for 46-hours in a row starting at 6 p.m. tomorrow night and going through Sunday. Not only that, but he is turning 21 once the clock strikes midnight for the first time.

That means he won't see a beer, sunlight or a chair during his entire 21 birthday. In fact, Joe won't even know when his birthday begins or ends because the dancers are FORBIDDEN TO LOOK AT WATCHES.

Epic or crazy? Maybe both. Whatever the case, I'm proud of him for being selfless and caring more about helping ill children than celebrating his own birthday.

She made a Twitter account

2010-02-18T22:24:00.003-05:00

After months and months of Twitter hating, Michelle Diane Bense has finally made herself an account.

Follow @ellebense. Just not down an alley because that's a bit creepy.

Stand-up for THON!

2010-02-08T23:51:00.007-05:00

Well folks, Second Floor Stand-up (SFS) completed their first "Stand-up for THON," event. IT WAS BALLLLLLLLER. Yes.

We didn't make the $8.5 million we were hoping for, but we all had fun, laughed and did a great thing for the kids.

Below is a picture of myself hugging the footie-pajama clad Matt Rainstein. He is truly a comic's comic.

This show was truly for the kids, but thank god none were in attendance. There's a reason why we're not performing at THON, in front of children. Vulgarity primarily. And the court system ruled that Rain's not allowed to be near minors anymore.

Besides comic groping, the night was a blast to MC and perform at. I'm truly lucky to be able to preside over and take part in such a wonderful organization.

Clips from the show and a short documentary will play on the THON Web cast airing for three minutes of every hour. That means the internet will see "Stand-up for THON," 46 times in one weekend. If you don't get a chance to see it stream live, I will have the mini documentary posted here in the coming weeks.

We are stand-up comedy, we are Penn State and we are doing this for the kids. THON 2010!

The Jersey Shore Experiments

2010-01-31T18:37:00.004-05:00

Second Floor Stand-up's film production company Second Floor Studios has created its first original video. Enjoy "The Jersey Shore Experiment."

Be sure to subscribe and check out our Web site at http://secondfloorstandup.com/welcome/ for more hilarity.

SecondFloorStandup.com

2010-01-29T01:24:00.002-05:00

Second Floor has a Web site! A big thank you to everyone who has put their time and effort into making the best performing comedy club at Penn State. Check out our site and let me know about it!

Findlay Brown - Love Will Find You review

2010-01-13T17:02:00.005-05:00

Englishman Findlay Brown’s U.S. debut Love Will Find You, produced by Verve Forecast, is a fun merger of Brown’s musical influences compiled into a ‘60s sound that comes off recorded for present day. Roy Orbison, Jimi Hendrix, Neil Diamond and the Beatles all had a hand in molding Brown’s musical style and this collection of ten songs gives off a familiar doo-wop, Motown, ‘60s music feel.

To continue reading the review click here and check out Popwreckoning.com to get a larger music fix.

Senior QB to bypass NFL draft, Continue play at Florida

2010-01-05T14:36:00.004-05:00

Senior QB to bypass NFL draft, Continue play at Florida

By Brandon Scott Wolf

GAINESVILLE, Fla. – Tim Tebow will forgo entering this April’s NFL Draft and instead return to The University of Florida for one more crack at the BCS National Championship and yet again, another Heisman Trophy nomination and yet again, win the hearts of all college football enthusiasts and yet again, be a role model for youths everywhere.

“As the first super-senior quarterback in Florida and NCAA history, it is my goal to come back to this great university and continue to finish what I started,” said the Gators’ captain at a press conference held yesterday. “I want to take this opportunity to thank God, Jesus, myself, Coach Urban Meyer, my mom, the Holy Spirit and Christ for allowing me to come back for this fifth and hopefully not my final year of collegiate play.”

Professional scouts thought Tebow would enter the NFL Draft due to his lack of eligibility in the college level, but Tebow had other plans.

“I spoke with many coaches in the NFL and all of them told me that my throwing mechanics were quite possibly the worst they had ever seen and I most definitely will not be able to make it as a quarterback for any professional team. Even the Raiders,” said a teary-eyed Tebow. “But, nothing they said had an effect on this decision.”

NFL and fellow-former SEC quarterback Brett Favre weighed in on Tebow’s decision.

“Frankly, I’m ashamed of Tim’s actions,” said the now-Minnesota Vikings’ quarterback. “It is wrong to toy around with the media, loved ones and a dedicated fan base using press conferences to announce that you are leaving a certain sport for good and then return a few months later like nothing happened. What is he going to do next? Join another conference like the Big Ten for a year and then sign with Florida’s biggest rival, Georgia, just to get revenge on Florida once they stab him in the back? That’s low and unthinkable.”

Every sports fan in the nation has an opinion on the return of Tebow, but for now, it’s safe to say the Gators and their fans are excited to see another national championship run in the Swamp.

“He’s the greatest,” said fan Charles Baugh. “He’s won two national championships, a Sugar Bowl, a Heisman Trophy, hit a blind boy in the head with a football and gave him sight back and beat Michael Phelps in the 200-meter freestyle by running across the surface of the pool.”

The fans are excited for the return of Tebow and Tebow is equally excited to return to his fans.

“I’m excited to get back out there, play ball and die for their sins,” said Tebow.

Without further ado...

2009-12-27T02:22:00.004-05:00

After months of in-depth research and market studies, we at the Second Floor Labs have created the perfect design for our stand-up comedy logo.

Drum roll please. *rolls drum* *questions to himself what rolling drum means* *continues to roll drum* And TA-DA!

Second Floor Stand-up officially has a logo to call its own. Now Brandon, you say, haven't I seen this logo on the Facebook fan page? Well, in short, yes.

But now, I have officially unveiled the latest iteration of our splendid logo on my blog. Hooray! Hooray! Christmas has come early this year. And since yesterday was Christmas, Christmas 2010 has arrived about 364 days early. And since I'm Jewish, whatever.

Soak in the logo. Enjoy the SFSness and bask in the glory that is branding. Now let's see how we can make this logo synonymous with PSU humor. That is my goal for the upcoming semester.

My robot and me. The end?

2009-12-19T22:24:00.014-05:00

There comes a time in every man's life where he has to say goodbye to his blog's profile picture of himself having intimate relations with a self-made cardboard robot.

Today is my day.

After an entire semester of performing stand-up comedy at Penn State, Second Floor Stand-up's photographer, Lauren Byerly, has snapped a picture worthy of replacing the "Gay In The elevator" robot (GITeBot) love scene.

I know it makes me look like less of a tender lover, but men grow weary of watching themselves perform lewd mechanical acts on the front of Pok-e-Mon cards. A dark day in my life perhaps, but a bright future may come of this change.

Although the picture has changed, fear not, for the GITeBot will live on...in my apartment...because the coaxial cable for my TV runs through him.

Stand Up Guys

2009-12-15T14:18:00.004-05:00

This is a short documentary following two hysterical Second Floor Stand-up (SFS) comics. This video was created by fellow comic and friend, Matt Rainstein. Enjoy!

Stand Up Guys from Kyle Herman on Vimeo.

Popwreckoning.com 'Monster' EP Review

2009-12-09T19:21:00.006-05:00

With final exams, papers, two simultaneous Universal Studios marketing campaigns, Phroth distribution and a few stand-up comedy shows to prepare for, I also wrote a bangin' (as some might say) music review for a grandiose Web site known as popwreckoning.com.

Check out what I wrote here.

This is a picture of the EP I reviewed. "Monster" by Inu.

Big I know.

That got suggestive.

Sorry.

Phroth Movie Review: The Happening

2009-12-04T03:11:00.002-05:00

Here is a movie review I wrote for "The Happening."

Enjoy Phroth.com everyone.

Most awkward ending. Delicious cheese sticks, great time next Thursday!

2009-12-03T01:54:00.007-05:00

Well, our December Carnegie show was genius.

Awkward. Awkward as usual, but great. The 125-seat room filled up pretty quickly and by the time our MC for the night, the very funny Daniello Sepe, was done his ten minute set, we had to physically tell people to get up from their seats and slide to the end of the row. I understand that people don't like to sit next to "strangers," but for comedy, squeezin' 'em in is what helps produce the funny. And we made sure that everyone, even if they came in late, had a seat.

We followed that gem of instructional advice with what could be the most awkward ending to a show in Penn State history. Our loose plan, which we "figured" out moments before the end of our gig, consisted of Daniello walking on stage and thanking the audience for coming out as we stood behind him and bowed.

Not only did we not bow, but we did not get on stage in time. Dan said thank you and before we could jostle our way from the dark recesses of the theater, he was done speaking. And that's when we got on stage.

Here is what I sent our facebook fans/attendees:

We did it!!! Second Floor Stand-up (SFS) successfully had the most awkward show ending of any Penn State organization ever.

Seriously though, thank you all for coming out. We had a really great time.

If you want to relax and enjoy more Second Floor stand-up comedy, we will be performing next Thursday (Dec. 10) in Redifer Commons' Buffet at 10 p.m. Comedy + Buffet = Mozzarella Cheese Sticks, Bacon and Laughter = A Trip To The Hospital*

*We are not responsible for mozzarella-related mishaps, injuries, snafus or deaths

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, since you are reading this, I hope you take my advice and come see Second Floor again, or for the first time. Hope to see you there!

Upcoming shows and logo talk

2009-12-01T02:11:00.006-05:00

Hi loyal BSWers,

This Wednesday night Second Floor Stand-up (SFS) will be performing in Carnegie Cinema (Carnegie 113) at 10 PM.

Besides that FREE hour-and-a-half show filled to the brim with the best comedy this side of Boalsburg, I am booking more venues to round out the end of this semester and I am starting to look around for next semester. If you or anyone you know would like to have myself, or SFS, perform at your event, let me know.

Until the spring semester starts filling up with show dates, I am still going to tinker with our "claw" symbol. Jen Reinheimer and I have been trying to figure out a way to make this look...well...confusing. Here is the latest iteration:

Yeah. Right. It kind of has a strange thumb situation going on, but no worries, the good people at SFS are working tirelessly day and night so you have a beautifully tailored product at each and every gig you attend*.

So look for that on fliers and whatnot around the PSU campus.

And, as an added bonus, if you come to my Wednesday show, you will receive possible friendship**.

*that's at least what we are going for
**degree of friendship varies by person

Brandon Scott Wolf: Standing-Up, Refusing to Sit-Down

2009-11-23T11:09:00.004-05:00

About three months ago, I was contacted by a Penn State student, Martha Parzych, who wanted to write a feature story on myself and Second Floor Stand-up because she was interested in stand-up comedy and wanted to check out Penn State's local scene. Here is her final product:

“Brandon Scott Wolf: Standing-Up, Refusing to Sit-Down”

Every Wednesday night the dimly lit auditorium of Carnegie Cinema echoes the laughter of a diverse young pack of twenty-something-year-old Penn State students: Jason Ho, Matt Rein, Rohan Ravipati, Matt Woodward, Josh Lederman, and Brandon Scott Wolf. A vast, open stage illuminates the front section of the dark, empty room. Vacant movie-theatre-like seats descend towards the stage where an unwired microphone rests loosely in the jittery hands of one of Second Floor Stand Up’s newest performers, a short, fast-talking guy named Josh. “Go, let’s see what you got,” yells Brandon from the first row of the theatre’s seats. “Can someone else go first, I’m not really that prepared,” he tells him quite honestly. It’s just practice and it is the kid’s first time so Brandon agrees.

Second Floor Stand-up is Penn State University’s only stand-up comedy group. Actually, besides the very occasional, sporadic visits of highly publicized comedians such as Will Farrell, Sarah Silverman, and Jerry Seinfeld—it’s Penn State’s only source for live comedy. Brandon Scott Wolf, the club’s President and founder, began performing with his Penn State crew late August 2009 out of his second floor apartment in State College. Since then, the group has expanded to about ten comedians, a marketing rep, a graphic designer, and many others who’ve taken a part-time interest in their comedic efforts. “Initially I didn’t think about making it a Penn State affiliated organization. It was going to be my own thing and no one was going to know about it—underground comedy, two floors up. But we’re marketing the fuck out of it, so we’re not really underground comedy anymore,” Brandon explains. Since August the group’s humor has reached a number of local bars and auditoriums. “I think it’s really cool that you can market yourself and become well known around campus.” In an age of instant, mass communication and with the availability of numerous media outlets at the click of a mouse, viral marketing proves a useful tool for any starting organization. Yet, Brandon believes it’s the group’s collective talents that’ll stir the most attention. “I’ve talked to Todd Glass, the comedian we’re bringing in, and he told me the best way to get known is by being funny—that’s the best advertisement. Because if someone sees that you’re funny, they’ll tell their friends, and their friends will come and see you, and it’ll start this big chain.”

“This practice here, Josh, is basically organized for people like you. People interested in what we do and who want to join. We still mainly just do stand up and practice in my apartment,” Brandon explains. After a couple more of the guys rehearse their routines, he grabs the microphone and takes the stage, confidence in hand. “Alright, have you ever seen a car and it has all these dings and dents in it, maybe dents in the hood? And you think to yourself, Wow that person must be a really bad driver. Well I do the exact same thing with a woman who has bruises or black eyes. I’m like Wow; she must be a really bad wife.” His mildly irreverent humor coupled with the easiness and fluidity of its delivery showcases his comfort in the spotlight. He’s a loud, in-your-face kind of funny; projecting his voice or altering it when the joke deems necessary. “Alright, I think I’m ready now,” Josh yells after Brandon finishes his set. With performances at several State College bars, The Comedy Cabaret, as well as the Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia behind him, Brandon has inherently assumed the driver’s seat of Second Floor Stand-up, attempting to steer clear of the inevitable bumps along comedy’s long, windy road. A veteran by no means, it wasn’t long ago the jittery hands holding the microphone were that of his own.

SOMA, “Students Organized for the Multiple Arts,” slowly and somewhat painfully launched Brandon Scott’s still up-and-coming stand-up career. SOMA is a campus-affiliated organization that holds open MIC nights once a month in student lounges across Penn State’s campus, fostering a tight-knit, accepting community for student artists. “SOMA is a group that’ll put anyone on stage. It’s usually a horrible idea to do stand up for SOMA. They’re a very good organization but they’re usually geared towards indie rock. If you’re not in a stand up venue, people aren’t there to laugh.” Towards the end of his sophomore year at Penn State, Brandon noticed a flyer advertising the open MIC night. It promised ten minutes, a microphone, a chair, the stage, and most importantly an audience. Charmed by the idea of performing, Brandon was instantly sold. It was the perfect opportunity to voice his material. He prepared for a month—writing jokes in between classes, scribbling punch lines in the margins of his notebooks, with the same passion and zeal one might experience at the first onset of puppy love; he wasn’t sure if it was the real thing, but heck, it sure felt like it could be.

The brightly lit student lounge of West Halls dormitory served as his very first, live venue. Sporting a t-shirt advertising his name, a grey zip-up hoodie, jeans, and some friend-induced confidence he walked on the stage. A crowd of about twenty people had gathered. The lights—those unbelievably bright lights meant for no other task but studying, revealed every bead of sweat and every anxious fluttering gesture, translating his nerves to the rest of the audience. “I was shaking and jittering my first time up there,” he remembers. That year PETA, “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,” released an entire campaign re-branding fish as “sea kittens” in an effort to equate their status in society with that of cats and dogs. “I had an entire five minute act on sea kittens. I kept re-naming other animals; a bear was a fuzzy-kitten, and a prostitute was a sex-kitten. It was awful but I had the best time with it.”

Apart from a few minor chuckles, the audience was pretty much unreceptive during the evening of his debut. “They did not care. That was pretty much the theme of the night,” he remembers as he nods his head and smiles. No laugh-out-loud hysterics. No standing ovation. No groupies waiting by the side stage anticipating his autograph or the chance at a picture. “You’re supposed to do like two minutes of stand-up when you first start out. If you have two minutes of solid jokes that make people laugh, you know you’re on the right track. But for the first time I went up there for the whole ten, maybe fifteen minutes. I still thought it was the greatest thing in the world. I was like, Yes! I’m a Stand-up Comedian! So that was my start. I owe it all to SOMA and a flyer on campus.”

A couple of months after his break-out performance with SOMA, Brandon temporarily moved back to the Philadelphia area at the commencement of the summer. With a ceaseless adrenaline pumping his veins, he began calling local businesses—practically anywhere with a microphone and a stage--about possible comedy nights and various open MICS. Surprisingly, a lot of the venues welcomed the idea but some proved tougher than others. With “SOMA open MIC” as the only show under his credits it was tough convincing some of the more publicized comedy clubs to allow him to perform. The Helium Comedy club and the Raven lounge made no promises at first, but after weeks of persistence--of showing up at their front door, he finally filled a time slot and quenched his undeniable thirst for the spotlight. “I was going down to Center City every week. Mind you, I had to go with my parents because I wasn’t twenty-one. I’ve brought my parents to a gay bar—I didn’t know it was a gay bar at first, because I went there to do stand-up; believe me, it can get really awkward talking about ejaculate in front of your mom.” Despite his dirty jokes and a passion for something as volatile and dangerous as the creative arts, his parents seem proud of him. They’ve even taken a growing interest in stand-up themselves. “My parents have started going to comedy clubs on Saturday nights when I’m not with them. Whenever my Mom sees anything on the news about comedy she turns to my dad and says: “Brandon needs to look at this, Brandon’s a comedian. Isn’t he funny, Mike?” My dad doesn’t really get that I’m a comedian. He’s supportive though.”

As a fresh comedy group in State College, Second Floor’s main focus is to schedule as many events as possible and increase their awareness on campus. Booking events can become quite a hassle: Brandon spends countless hours in the offices of UPAC, “University Park Allocation Committee,” filing endless amounts of paperwork to secure venues and funds for on-campus performances. “I really appreciate Brandon being the main one to have the initiative and idea to start a stand-up club at Penn State. He puts a lot of time and effort into working with UPAC and that just helps everyone. He's a solid hunk of a man,” notes Jason Ho, a Second Floor comedian. The bar shows they secure tend to be scheduled on week day nights during awkward bar hours. As a result, the performances reach smaller target audiences; however this doesn’t seem to bother any of the guys, especially Brandon. Whether it is for an audience of three or three hundred, the show must go on. “My favorite show was at the Lion’s Den,” Brandon remembers. “It was just us and the ownership. There was no stage, just our shitty amp and us. No one was there on a Wednesday night. I pretty much walked up on stage screaming and making fun of the ownership. They looked at me and I made them crack up for a solid ten, fifteen minutes. Everyone performed that night. We left there feeling like heroes, like nothing could stop us. We were so high on life. Then we went back to the apartment and watched South Park and just had a good time. Two months ago I didn’t know hardly any of these people, and now we’re really good friends.”

Brandon is a seemingly regular college student--at first glance indecipherable from the sea of blue and white Penn State hoodies and backpacks roaming campus in between classes. He attends parties, football games, tailgates, the whole nine yards—or more like a hundred. As an editor, writer, blogger, radio host, and stand up comedian, Brandon Scott Wolf stars as part director, part actor, and part producer of Penn State’s slowly up-and-coming comedy scene. “I’m always doing comedy –always writing, always re-writing. It’s not only that you have to write, it that you have to re-write. You write a joke one day, test it out, and you end up with something completely different come show time.” His hard work and efforts put forth in generating creative, original content for the Penn State community have not gone unnoticed. He’s interviewed with Collegehumor, a largely popular humor website geared towards the college-aged demographic. “I made it to the second round of interviews at their New York office. I would love to maybe work for Collegehumor some day. I think to be successful in stand-up and in life you have to package yourself in a way where people want to see you. If people don’t want to be around you, you’re never going anywhere in life; so basically as long as your personable, and not a dick.”

His extensive array of extra-curriculars doesn’t begin or end with comedy. As evidenced by the six hundred or so metal Land of the Lost water bottle containers scattered all over his tiny apartment, he’s also currently interning with NBC Universal as a marketing coordinator. “He graduates soon so he’s trying to fit everything he’s never done at Penn State into one semester and he’s killing himself,” says a close friend of Brandon’s. But the rigorous course load proves manageable, at least for now. He’s taking full advantage of the college experience—of the Penn State experience. “I feel like I’m getting a good amount of stuff done at Penn State. I also do the THON stuff obviously because everyone has to do that or else you’re shunned from the community,” he jokes. THON is a forty-six-hour dance maraTHON raising money and awareness for pediatric cancer. It’s the largest student-run philanthropy in the world, and a huge part of the Penn State culture. Thousands of students are involved in THON; its no surprise Brandon would be one of them.

Second Floor Stand Up schedules two hours of practice every week; but if this was a full-time job, they’d definitely be paid overtime, getting end-of-the month bonuses, and demanding company stock options--especially during the weeks of a bar gig or a key scheduled performance. Aside from general practices where the members gather to discuss writing, performances, and delivery—basically bouncing ideas off one another about what’s funny, potentially funny, or just downright bad—the group enforces a general monthly staff meeting. The people designated to help with the marketing, advertising, graphic design, video, and secretarial duties, as well as the comedians, gather under one roof to discuss the group’s future plans, current problems, past mistakes. When this happens, something just nanometers short of chaos unleashes. “Okay, so we need to assign permanent roles and clearly define responsibilities because right now Brandon’s doing a lot of this on his own,” yells Michelle over a crowd of people talking amongst themselves. She’s the group’s official secretary but more suitably, its organizer—compartmentalizing specific responsibilities, clearly defining and categorizing particular goals. She also happens to be Brandon’s girlfriend. For a short, brown-eyed, small-framed girl, she sure knows how to command a room, at least for the couple of minutes before their ADD sets in again. David, a stocky Romanian graduate student and the group’s oldest member gets out of his seat and walks over to a chalkboard. He begins frantically drawing a diagram of roles, sub-roles, identifying possible names under each. The group pays little attention. “Hey I just realized, I’m the President and I’m bangin’ my secretary,” Brandon laughs to the group of comedians surrounding him. “Yeah, more like your sex-retary,” Matt Rain quickly responds. “And this is why we accomplish nothing,” Josh Lederman laughs and shakes his head.

“Have you ever heard of the economy of words? That joke would be a lot funnier if the set-up was like thirty seconds instead of sixty,” Brandon informs one of the guys practicing his routine. He realizes the importance of the whole performance: the delivery, speech, and mannerisms contributing to a truly funny act. “It’s really different to be funny as opposed to being on stage and being funny. Because when you’re having a conversation with someone you can rip off them and go back and forth. On stage, you have to get a reaction. That’s why comedy is so difficult. You’re all alone up there; you don’t have a guitar to shield you. You never know how the crowd is going to react, if the microphone is going to work, or if you are going to get heckled. It's important to realize that no matter what goes awry, the worst thing that is ever going to happen will be over in six short, excruciating minutes. ”

Brandon Scott Wolf, a native of Philadelphia—specifically Northeast Philadelphia, “which is not the hood,” he explains--stems from a loving, supportive family of five. His parents have been married over thirty years. He is the baby of the family. His siblings, Jason and Jen, are technically grown-ups. They have stable jobs and steady incomes. His current permanent residence is located in Southampton, Pennsylvania--this is where he spent most of his youth. His curly brown hair matches his brewed hazelnut coffee eyes. He is amiable, light-hearted, and a little bit crazy. When he speaks, people listen. As a little kid he was not the class clown, although you’d expect him to be. He annoyed the hell out of his teachers. He was the most talkative--always had something to say. In that way, he hasn’t changed at all. He’s a Print Journalism major because Broadcasting required traveling by bus three miles off campus. He’d like to meet Theodor Geisel and Kermit the Frog. Mel Brooks and Gene Wilder inspire him. He values eccentricity and the people in life that are dually sane and crazy. He is a Gemini. According to his horoscope he should enjoy talking, novelty, variety, and working on multiple projects at the same time. His very existence has probably sparked a growing interest in astrology for skeptics and cynics everywhere.

The Park Hill apartment building is located just on the outskirts of Penn State University’s campus, blocks away from the bars and pizza joints that pump the heart of the undergraduate social scene. Two floors up, in apartment number 223, Brandon hosts one of many comedy-oriented gatherings of the semester. A living room adorned with Penn State, Phillies, Eagles, and Flyers memorabilia satisfies the standard equation for a typical college-aged male’s sanctuary. Newspaper clippings of Jerry Seinfeld alongside articles covering Second Floor’s performances clothe the otherwise barren walls. College textbooks litter the corners of the living room. A large green fern sits next to the television set, the only possible sign of a woman’s touch. Two computer desks, separated by a small green couch are positioned at each end of the room. Hanging in front of the window is a huge blue and white banner that reads: Second Floor Stand Up: Underground Comedy Two Floors Up. It’s the first thing one notices upon entering the room. A stool, microphone, and amplifier rest directly beneath it; they’ve become permanent fixtures of the residence. When necessary, the small, intimate apartment operates as a full-functioning comedy lounge. Matt Woodward, Matt Rain, Jason, Rohan, and David are sprawled out on the couch. Brandon sits at his computer desk reading emails and other Second Floor agenda from his laptop.

“Rooftop Comedy is coming here in early March. They’re hosting a national student stand-up competition. The top performing comedians will get the chance to go the finals in Aspen and perform with the top comedians in the industry. That’s definitely something we want to be a part of,” Brandon reads from his computer. The group agrees in unison. “I’ve also been emailing Todd Glass and we need to secure a venue capable of seating at least five hundred people,” he informs the guys. Recruiting more nationally recognized stand-up comedians to Penn State has become one of the many goals of Second Floor. With their incessant efforts, Todd Glass, a professional stand-up comedian and the previous host of Last Comic Standing, will make a State College appearance in the coming months. “Also, are we trying to do a Comedy Festival with Full-Ammo next semester?” he asks the guys as he shuts his computer, swivels his chair, and faces the couch. “I think it’d be a cool idea,” Matt responds. “They can do their improv and we’ll do our stand-up and we can bring in a much bigger crowd.”

“Has anyone hit a brick wall with their writing?” Brandon asks as he takes a seat next to Rohan on the small, green couch. Rohan acknowledges his new stuff needs some work. He reads aloud some of his latest material and the group suggest specific changes, edits, and potential punch lines. “One thing I’ve noticed is everyone needs to learn how to command a room. It’s not about being a dick, but it’s about being a dick,” Brandon asserts. “For instance, has anyone else noticed Woodward isn’t conversational? Woodward, why don’t you go up there and do some of your best jokes but try and slow it down.” Matt Woodward, a tall, skinny, somewhat quiet character, goes up in front of the room and recites one of his better jokes. This time, slowing it down, taking longer, smoother pauses in between sentences. “One thing I haven’t done is give blood. Yes, I know you can save three lives or keep Keith Richards alive for three seconds, but I think it goes back to when I was a little kid and the doctor said: don’t worry you’re just going to feel a little prick. Then I’m going to stick this needle into you.” “That sounded better,” the group agrees in unison. “Why don’t you try making your voice deeper and scarier when impersonating the doctor,” Matt Rain suggests. He attempts alternating the pitch of his voice but the impression comes off as unnatural and rather forced. “I’m not really that comfortable with impressions. I think a bad impression is worse than no impression at all,” Woodward admits. One by one the guys take the microphone, recite some new material, and receive constructive critiques. Brandon is the last to go. “So this is something that may make the girls laugh,” he begins. “Wait, so your wiener?” Michelle yells from the kitchen. “Ohhhhhhhhh,” the group yells and erupts in laughter. Brandon’s not the only one with jokes.

With some hard work and determination Brandon spawned a new, never-before-done stand-up comedy venture at Penn State University. The club’s long lasting influence on the State College comedy culture is unforeseeable, but its short-term side effects include: new friendships, unbridled potential, and an overall positive learning atmosphere where art and creativity has a chance to flourish. When enclosed between the same four walls, the guys of Second Floor Stand Up, with their dynamic synergy, have the ability to craft something truly wonderful-- or at the very worst, laugh about how bad it is, brainstorm, and create again. “Second Floor Stand-Up is possibly the best thing ever. We will be the Class of 2011's senior gift to Penn State. It does hurt being this collectively awesome, but in a fun, kinky way. I would compare it to being punched in the face, if the fist was made of dreams,” Jason Ho comments about his overall experience with the club.

“Everyday I’m slowly slipping into this persona. What’s happening on stage is slowly turning into real life and what’s real life is slowly turning into what’s on stage. I’m starting to act a different way, talk a different way. I carry a microphone with me whenever I go the bathroom or shower. It gets real awkward for my roommate,” he jokes. His wit and humor slyly slips into any conversation or social exchange. Incapable of separating humor from life, he refuses to wait for opportunities to come knocking at his door— he builds those doors and knocks them down with “fists of dreams,” fueled by ambition and an absolute necessity to continue doing the very thing he loves: comedy. “I just want to make people laugh, have some fun. That’s the important part. I’m not the funniest person in the world—maybe someone thinks I am but I don’t think so. I don’t think anyone is saying Brandon Scott Wolf—by the way it’s Scott with a double t—my family got the second t because we could afford it. Hey, if you got it flaunt it, am I right?”

Shows this week

2009-11-16T12:21:00.002-05:00

I am going to perform alongside my Second Floor friends at the 797 Lounge and the Lion's Den in State College this week.

Here is a link to the 797 show and here is the link to the Den show -which is also a benefit for epilepsy.

I hope that you have a chance to come out and enjoy a night or even two nights of stand-up comedy!

The Second Floor Logo

2009-11-11T01:11:00.008-05:00

As a brand new student organization, Second Floor Stand-up has a lot more to think about than performing high quality, live comedy. A lot goes into having an audience, and so, inevitably, marketing, advertising and fund raising must become a crucial part of the SFS experience. With several shows behind us, an official Facebook page and a Web site on the way, the Second Floor is headed in the right direction, but we need a solid, recognizable logo to help promote brand recognition.

We have come up with some ideas, none are official yet, but have a look-see:

Both logos are in the possibility tank. Floating. Saying, "Help! Get me out of here." Waiting for a life preserver to be thrown in.

One may survive perhaps, if it learns how to swim, but still, the logo battle is on. Tomorrow, I will show the members both logos and perhaps we will retool one or the other.

I truly enjoy the lion claw holding the microphone, but some say it is too busy and others say it looks "mountainous." The BIG positive in my eyes with this logo possibility would be how well it shows that SFS is Penn State's stand-up organization. Some think it is a negative to be associated with PSU, but I feel the more we work with the university as one of their officially recognized clubs, the better.

The other symbol, however, is a clean, straightforward stand-up logo. The problem that arises would be if someone tinkered with the Second Floor text, it becomes an average stand-up comedy logo.

Both have pros and both have cons. What would look better on a T-shirt? A flyer? A banner? The "mountain" claw might be the way we're headed. And if you don't like mountains, you're an asshole.

Stand-up from last night

2009-11-05T12:47:00.007-05:00

Without even leaving my apartment, I have made some great college memories and more importantly, a lot of great friends.

The practices alone are a worthwhile reason to be a part of Second Floor Stand-up.

Three hours before our show last night, the comics met up at my apartment, practiced, joked and watched the World Series.

Q: What's better than that?

A: The 50-person audience we played for in Carnegie Cinema coupled with the professional sound system we rented from Music Mart.

or

A: A drunk kangaroo.

Anyways, here are some upcoming shows SFS will be playing:

Nov. 17 @ 797 Lounge start time 10 p.m.

Nov. 18 @ The Lion's Den start time 10 p.m.

Dec. 3 @ Carnegie Cinema (Carnegie 113) start time 10 p.m.

Hope to see you at one of our next gigs.

LateNight Success

2009-10-19T15:51:00.005-04:00

Second Floor Stand-up at LateNight HUB was an overwhelming success last Friday night.

Don't believe me? It was in The Daily Collegian student newspaper today at Penn State.

Students bring comedy to the HUB

Emcee Brandon Scott Wolf (junior-journalism) eats a piece of pizza between acts during the Second Floor Stand-Up show at the HUB-Robeson Center on Friday night. The group's comedians played to a full audience.
PHOTO: Samantha M. Shal

By Alyssa Murphy
For the Collegian

The transition from 21-and-older venues to an alternative nightspot proved successful for Second Floor Stand-Up, Penn State's only stand-up comedian club.

The group usually performs at downtown bars, seeing audiences of five to 50 people. But the crowd in Paul Robeson Cultural Center's Heritage Hall on Friday exceeded expectations -- more than 200 people attended the performance, club president Brandon Scott Wolf (junior-journalism) said.

"We had almost every seat filled. People were sitting on the side rail," Wolf said.

Wolf expressed hope that the audience for future events grows even larger. The goal for their final performance in Schwab Auditorium is 300 people.

"We want to bring in more talent, because we're looking to perform in front of even larger crowds," he said. "As the comedians get better, the crowds get better."

Wolf emceed the event. Halfway through the show, without saying a word, he sat on the stool and ate a slice of pepperoni pizza. The audience paused in their laughter temporarily before starting a slow clap.

"Did you remember the hand sanitizer?" Matt Klein (senior-film) asked dramatically as part of his swine flu movie trailer.

Catering to a college audience, the Second Floor Stand-Up comedians joked about the concerns of their peers, such as swine flu and majors.

"They say that students now are majoring in things that haven't even started yet. That's how advanced technology is," Jason Ho (junior-graphic design) said. "I'm majoring in world peace and minoring in my parents' rekindled relationship."

The night ended with Mark Celeste (senior-English) singing and playing his guitar. He opened with a song about Tigger from Winnie the Pooh, in which the bouncy animal became very depressed for being the only Tigger. A cover of "Hey There Delilah" by the Plain White T's became "Hey There Vagina" as he filled in words he felt conveyed the same emotions.

The comedians were well received after the show. Many of the audience members stayed after the conclusion to talk about how the performance went and to congratulate them.

"They were really funny. I've been to a bunch of shows. They just keep getting better," Rebecca Eisenberg (senior-film) said. "Tonight was long, but it was continuously entertaining."

Second Floor Stand-Up will perform in Carnegie Cinema, 113 Carnegie Building, Nov. 4 from 10 p.m. to midnight. Anyone who wants to be updated on upcoming performances should join the Facebook fan page.

Last semester Wolf started performing jokes with a few friends in his second floor apartment. The group moved from the dorms to downtown when the crowds became too big.

"Some of these people have never performed comedy before. They only had two months to practice," Wolf said. "It was positive energy. It was a great, amazing time. It was mind-bogglingly awesome."

Second Floor Stand-up @ the HUB-Robeson Center

2009-10-14T01:39:00.005-04:00

Second Floor Stand-up is performing two shows in Heritage Hall this Friday night, Oct. 16 at 10 p.m. Enjoy Penn State's best student stand-up comedians at a price money can't buy. Because it's FREE!
Make your PSU Homecoming weekend even better by supporting young, local stand-up comedians in the State College area.

Extra Curricular Activities

2009-10-12T01:00:00.004-04:00

What is it like to be a student at a major university coupled with participation in so many student organizations around campus and an internship? Busy.

College students heavily involved in extra curricular activities have less time to work on papers, study for exams and fully focus on class. That's a fact. I can tell you that, and I'm sure most people who have experienced a heavy load of classes coupled with a large dose of clubs can tell you as well.

When I talk to my friends at Penn State, most share the same sentiment as me. To get the highly coveted internship, which will lead to the highly coveted job offer, most think that what you do out of class is more important than what you do in class. I fall into this category. I am so much more proud to be a part of Phroth, Second Floor Stand-up, ComRadio and all my other clubs than I am of my grades in class.

Here is a dilemma some students face: Is it scary to think that you're going to get a C on test or is it scarier to think that if you don't participate in editing your school's fashion magazine you won't land that spot on the Cosmo payroll upon graduation?

A high GPA is something to be proud of. It is extremely hard to keep solid grades while holding positions in student organizations and simultaneously holding an internship, but college is such a great platform to try new and adventurous activities.

Besides this 4-year time frame, when else could I write for a humor magazine, perform stand-up comedy on a regular basis and host my own sports radio talk show while simultaneously "working" as a marketing rep for Universal Studios?

Students fear mono or other trendy sicknesses like the Swine Flu, but when I stay up late and get up early, I know that it's worth it because I'm living up the here and now.

Stand-up stills from Cafe 210 West

2009-10-08T00:50:00.005-04:00

Gig Updates

2009-09-30T15:21:00.005-04:00

Hi world,

I just wanted to let you know that stand-up comedy is alive and well in the University Park and State College area.

I, along with my fellow Second Floor Stand-up comedians, will be performing at several different venues in the upcoming weeks:

The Lion's Den presents SFS (21+ venue) -- Monday, Oct. 5

797 Lounge presents SFS (21+ venue) -- Thursday, Oct. 8 -- 9 p.m.

PSU Homecoming Celebration at the HUB-Robeson Center (all ages venue) -- Tuesday, Oct. 13 -- 2 p.m.

Second Floor Stand-up at Carnegie Cinema (Carnegie 113) (18+ venue) -- Wednesday, Nov. 4 -- 10 p.m.

Second Floor Stand-up at Carnegie Cinema (18+ venue) -- Wednesday, Dec. 2 -- 10 p.m.

I hope you can attend and I can't wait to see you there.

Love,

Brandon

Phroth Radio Ep. 1

2009-09-17T13:42:00.004-04:00

A few weeks ago I was asked by my good friend and fellow Phrothie, Max Moio, to be a host on Phroth's new podcast entitled Phroth Radio. Along with Phroth Staff Writer, Mike Lewis, we have made one hell of an enjoyable product.

As of today, the show has launched on the Phroth website and iTunes. And without further ado, I am very proud to present our first-ever episode.

The good stuff is inside.

Thank you and enjoy.

Big Things for SFS

2009-09-09T00:31:00.004-04:00

Echoes of laughter vibrate through the floor of the College Ave. Cafe as performer after performer takes to the microphone stand. The nerves which floated around in the pits of performers' stomachs quickly dissipated as everyone had a solid act and the audience rolled in the aisles of Cafe 210 West last Sunday night.

It was nothing short of incredible.

The two hour show went off without a hitch as every SFS comic pleased the crowd while simultaneously sharpening their stand-up weapons. Somewhere, down deep, I know that every Second Floorer will have sharp enough stand-up skills to kill every night.

To become the best comedians possible, the Second Floor guys will be taking the stage to work on new material, work the lively crowd and become better performers each Sunday evening at Cafe 210 West for the rest of the semester.

Besides the incredible venue at the Cafe, SFS will hit some memorable landmarks within the next few weeks: as of right now, our first university-scheduled general meeting is set to take place on Sept. 16 (date and time subject to change), and as I type, the SFS webmaster, Jen Reinheimer, is creating some brilliant mock ups for our logo.

If this could act as my myspace mood I would be: ecstatic. If this could act as my facebook status I would be: so proud of the Second Floor crew and ready to do more work.

We have climbed this far and we will continue to push on toward success, but when success comes, you have to accept it, reflect, be elated for a short while and then realize that there is always a taller apex to reach.

The Second Floor will see you at Carnegie Hall.

Our Phyrst Appearance

2009-09-02T01:54:00.003-04:00

Second Floor Stand-up is taking off!

At the beginning of last June, I had an idea to create a small, intimate stand-up comedy club out of my apartment.

Since I arrived at school, roughly two weeks ago, the idea has skyrocketed to the point that within the next week or so, Second Floor Stand-up will become an officially recognized student organization at The Pennsylvania State University.

Within this short period, we filled out paperwork, wrote a constitution, found performers/general members, performed in Lewistown, Pa., performed in my second floor apartment and actually have a chance at making this once-ludicrous idea a reality.

So let's cut the bullshit and get to what matters right now.

THIS SUNDAY IS OUR FIRST STAND-UP COMEDY SHOW IN DOWNTOWN STATE COLLEGE!

It is a 21-and-older show at The Phyrst, 111-1/2 E. Beaver Ave., State College, Pa. The show begins at 8 and ends at 10 p.m.

Here is the facebook page for "Our Phyrst Appearance"

Come out and support live stand-up comedy in State College! See you there.

Second Floor Stand-up: The Start

2009-08-27T00:03:00.007-04:00

After months and months of looking for stand-up comedy venues in the State College area and finding diddly, I figured I'd try something completely ludicrous and see what results.

You know what that means? I'm going to create my own.

I have made contacts, worked with friends, made new friends, written proposals, gone to meetings, made a banner, bought amps, mics and a stand and I am finally ready to embark on my PSU comedy journey.

The original idea was to host stand-up comedy shows out of my cramped, cubbyhole of an apartment. In the one week I have been at school, not only has that small goal become an actuality, but the Second Floor is already movin' on up.

Around these parts, when people say, WE ARE!, the answer is usually, PENN STATE!, but as of tomorrow, WE ARE!, taking the first step toward becoming an officially recognized PSU organization.

At about 8 p.m., I will have the necessary papers in my hands to officially make my dream of Second Floor Stand-up a full blown, university-accepted reality.

I was not willing to go through an entire semester, and then an entire year, without performing stand-up. Now, not only will I be able to perform multiple times per week, but I, along with my fellow Second Floorers, will hopefully change the PSU humor landscape for years to come.

And in advance, thank you to anyone who has helped me make this small thought into something real.

Bottom of the Barrel: a weekly rant written by Phroth writers

2009-08-26T12:09:00.002-04:00

I HATE PEOPLE WHO FUCKING RANT!!!!
It’s pretty much just bullshit filler space

By BRANDON SCOTT WOLF!!!

This is it. This is, “The Bottom of the Barrel.” Out of the rubble that Phroth of yesteryear once was comes something so tasteless, inane and hysterically time wasting that it can only be described as Phoenix-like. We at Phroth would love to say this is it, but hell, we know it’s just going to turn into a stupid fucking rant. So, without further ado, I Brandon Scott Wolf and my fellow Phrothies would like to welcome you to the fucking rant for this fucking week.

This blog may garner a laugh, or a lawsuit at some point —hopefully both—, but for now, I will settle for nothing less than a couple dozen more hits on our website so when we check Google Analytics, we can say that we have contributed a little more textual trash to the garbage dump I like to call the internet. And since one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, hopefully someone will find this trash and treasure it.

What I would like to bring to everyone’s collective attention in this week’s rant is how much I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE WHO RANT!!! WHAT IS THE GOD DAMN DEAL WITH RANTING?!!! RANTING IS PRETTY MUCH GOING OFF ON BULLSHIT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT MATTER AND CAN DO ANYTHING FROM FILLING UP BLOCKS OF ENTERTAINMENT OF FOX NEWS TO COMEDY ARTICLES ON OUR BLOG WEBSITE!!!

I GOD DAMN HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE RANT FOR NO APPARENT FUCKING REASON!! I HATE RABBLE-ROUSING RANTERS!!! YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO NOT BE HERE ANYMORE??!!!

A. THAT FAT FUCKING, PILL POPPING RANTING PIECE OF SHIT RUSH LIMBAUGH!!!
B. THAT DUMB ASS CONSERVATIVE BITCH WITH THE RACK AND BLONDE HAIR!!! WHAT THE FUCK’S HER NAME?!! ANN COULTER!! THAT’S IT!! THAT’S HER FUCKING NAME!!!
&
C. OPRAH!!! SHE JUST DOES TOO MUCH WITH HER BOOK CLUB GOD DAMN IT!!

GOD DAMN I HATE RANTS!! AND I HATE WHEN PEOPLE TYPE IN ALL CAPS!!! AND I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ABUSE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!! AND CHILDREN!!! SEXUALLY!!!!

Pedestrian collides with car

2009-08-09T12:38:00.003-04:00

By Brandon Scott Wolf
Phollegian Editor

Area man, John Marcoe, was taken to Mount Nittany Medical Center after allegedly causing damages to a moving vehicle in the Target parking lot yesterday afternoon.

“I was texting, minding my own business, when this asshole dents the hood of my car and then smashes into my windshield, back-first, causing the entire panel to shatter,” said Kia Rio owner Mark Blatts. “Then, to top it all off, he waited for the police and an ambulance to carry, to carry, his lazy ass out of my back seat.”

“I just don’t understand why someone would go out of their way like this to deface such a fine vehicle. Truly an underhanded act if you ask me,” said State College Police Officer Lonnie Finkle. “Something tells me that this isn’t the first time he has marred another’s property.”

Marcoe’s third grade teacher, Ms. Eileen Perkins, confirmed police suspicion stating that he wrote his name on his public school desk once.

“I understand he was in a cross walk, but I was going pretty fast. I’d say at the least 80. He should have known I didn’t have the time to break at that stop sign,” said Blatts.

According to the Kelley Blue Book, the 1991 Kia Rio was worth an estimated $213 before the debasement and Marcoe is expected to pay for all damages once him and his son awake from their comas.

What floor do we get off?

2009-08-05T17:32:00.012-04:00

The photo to your right is GITe at its core. We are a few close college friends who had a lot free time on Thursday nights before the unquenchable thirst set in.

After more than a dozen wildly random episodes, GITe has transformed into something more than just another collection of low budget YouTube videos. It has turned into OUR collection of low budget YouTube videos.

With the release of our latest episode, entitled "GITe: Patricia," I am starting to look back on the year that was. Horribly hilarious acting, little-to-no planned plots and whatever we could find in my teentsy dorm room set the stage for some of the most unique and abnormal "comedy" I have ever taken part in.

Was it fun?

Duh. Of course it was fun. What is more fun than being with friends and acting a fool in a public setting?

When our camerawoman, Jen Reinheimer, waited for those doors to slide open, she never knew what to expect. Lee Hartle as Christ, Joe making love to our houseplant Patricia or an awkward conversation between myself, the cardboard robot and someone trying to desperately escape were only a few of the gawky moments that have stuck with me.

When it came to GITe, I was proud to look like I had two left feet. I was always happy to act goofy, nerdy, be myself in front of strangers and friends alike. I feel we all had similar notions.

That's the beauty of GITe. We had fun with it. Everyone did -- even if they only showed up to one taping. If you look at the picture above, Brandon (me), Joe and Lee are all smiling; secretly Paricia is too. You might not be able to see it for yourself, but from our neck up, we're smerkin'. Not everyone may understand GITe's humor, or understand why we taped everything from our neck down, but what I hope you do see from this grainy footage is that we all had a great time.

With roughly three weeks until we go back to Penn State for our Junior year, Joe and I will not be moving back into our McElwain dormitory.

Does this mean the elevator ride is over?

Perhaps, but every time an elevator arrives at its destination, the passengers exit hoping to find something even more worthwhile behind those steel doors.

Philly's Phunniest?

2009-07-29T23:58:00.003-04:00

This year at Penn State, I began writing some stand-up comedy material in hopes of performing in front of a few small crowds at a university sponsored open mic or two. Within the next few months I trekked to study halls, traveled to small, hole-in-the-wall bars and performed in front of a few sizable comedy club crowds.

But last night, I brought my act to Philadelphia's Helium Comedy Club and took on a crowd which hovered around 400 people.

I didn't expect to move on past the opening round of the 4th Annual Philly's Phunniest Person Contest, but I knew I would have fun, learn about the craft and talk to some seasoned stand-up professionals in the green room.

And by the end of the evening I learned a lesson; you can't control what happens outside of what you are saying, and if you somehow can't control that, just roll with it.

You never know how the crowd is going to react, if the mic is going to work or if you are going to get heckled. It's important to realize that no matter what goes awry, the worst thing that is ever going to happen will be over in 6 short, excruciating minutes.

GITe: Legal

2009-07-13T17:18:00.003-04:00

It is completely legal to switch clothes in an elevator as long as there is only brief nudity.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6DfhUr8H04Y

Boxer nudity is also acceptable.

Here, Joe and I break no laws whatsoever. So there's that.

Published Poetry

2009-06-29T22:23:00.003-04:00

The Incident

The bowl was ready.
The seat was dry.
Water poured into the hole.
It misses,
splatters.
Don’t worry I Lysoled.

******

Failed Trick

Bullet. Teeth. Magic. No, wait, death.

******

A Fragment.

A sentence, no noun, no action, right click to change.

******

Playground Thief

“Gimme your lunch money,” I said. I hold
Him by the ankle upside down and he
Screams, “Get off me mister!” Sirens blare. I’m
Thirty-eight. I blame the economy.

Wiki-put-my-name-on-your-God-damn-site

2009-06-21T01:04:00.006-04:00

I simply wanted to see if Wikipedia would keep my name listed under my high school's Notable Alumni section. Granted this section includes Steve Capus, the president of NBC News, Mike Vogel, an American actor and former fashion model, and Frank Coonelly, the CEO of the Pittsburgh Pirates, but where is the Brandon Scott-Dangerous Wolf love?

I didn't even write anything obscene.

At first.

I wrote: Brandon Scott Wolf - American stand-up comedian.

That's all.

Am I not that notable? I suppose I'm not a household name. Well, I'm barely a household name in my own household, but I am slowly-but-surely working my way up the stand-up comedy ladder in Philadelphia. For instance, this week I am going to Helium Comedy Club on Tuesday, the Raven Comedy Lounge on Thursday and possibly an open mic at a small bar in the Northeast on Sunday. I've just began my career and I have been loving it, but for some reason, those Wikipedians don't think a start is good enough for a blurb.

Stand-up great Billy Crystal once said that it took him 25 years to become an overnight success.

I sure hope it doesn't take me that long to get a small Wikipedia blurb, but I'm going to do my best to get noticed. On Friday, I honestly posted my name as a joke to see what the mods would do and it got taken off almost instantly.

On Saturday, I wrote my name in again, but with a link to my FunnyPhilly.com comedian profile to show that I am actually an American stand-up comedian, and still the WikiPolice (see what I did there?) deleted my name from the section.

So today I decided that if my name wasn't notable enough to be in William Tennent High School's precious Wiki-section I decided to write a tad bit more than my name.

So this time I wrote: Brandon Scott-Dangerous Wolf - American stand-up comedian and you will engrave my name into this section within the next ten years because I'm going to be more well known than any mod on this site and that includes you. Douche.

Besides performing at open mics and other stand-up gigs, I think my first big chance to get noticed by the stand-up community is to do well at the 4th Annual Philly's Phunniest Person Contest presented by the Helium Comedy Club. There will be 150 hilarious people entering the field of contestants and only one person can win. Do I have to win. No. Will I win? I'm going to try my God-damn best.

I hope to make some friends, get people to laugh and ultimately walk out of that place with a little bit more street cred (well, as much street cred as a white kid from the suburbs can get... in a comedy club). One show at a time, one gig at a time and one day at a time, I promise you, I will get noticed by the comedy world... and Wikipedia.

So as of this morning, I added a happy-new, revenge-based goal to my vendetta list. Not only will I have a small blurb on my high school's page, but an entire Wikipedia page for myself and my flourishing stand-up comedy career.

Now, who is going to step up and write it?

Prayer doesn't work...

2009-06-18T02:11:00.001-04:00

source: Jokes.com

Too edgy. Even for Phroth.

2009-06-14T14:57:00.005-04:00

For those of you who don't know, Phroth is Penn State's one-and-only college humor publication. We have covered various edgy topics in the past including LOLCats being tortured, the library opening up an entire section dedicated to having sex and we've even had several full-page, color spreads of animals being mutilated.

That being said, we cannot print every crazed or effed up idea that our writers have. That includes me btw (by the wolf).

You may not have guessed it, but yes, like any good business, we do have an editorial process at Phroth and this article was deemed too "vile" and "disgusting" to ever be printed.

Personally, I take pride in that. Especially since this article still gives me a good chuckle.

As a Phrothie, I have written numerous edgy articles/features, but every now-and-then I come up with some really depraved, nasty and dark material that would never get the okay from our advisors. You may think this is gross, you may think this is extremely witty, or you may be thinking about how you're going to clean the vomit out of your keyboard.

Anyways, here's an article that will sure to leave you grossed out, laughing and wanting to read more Phroth.

A sticky situation, School District in trouble

By Brandon Scott Wolf
Phroth Phollegian Editor

ATLANTIC CITY, N.J. – The Atlantic City School District and Uptown Elementary School teacher Michael Langdon have been sued for child negligence, child abuse and unintentional herpes spreading.

The parents of third grader Johnny Timte sued the school district and Mr. Langdon after they consulted their pediatrician and found out that the child’s premature acne may stem from a crafts related debacle.

“Initially Dr. Plots thought it could be the chicken pox, but I’ve had firsthand experience with that type of breakout before,” said former hooker and pediatric nurse Vel’Vette Jenkins. “They used to call me Black Velvet.”

The PTA has put the school district under close watch after a lunch lady in another elementary school allegedly molested a chicken cutlet.

The third grade class was making their weekly Tuesday morning popsicle stick craft projects when the incident allegedly occurred.

“This paste tasted different,” said Timte. “Still satisfying, but different. At least the giraffe I made held together. I gave it to my mommy for her birthday. It’s on our fridge.”

Tests on the giraffe in question showed up positive for Mr. Langdon’s DNA as well as silver and gold sparkles.

“Johnny usually comes home on craft day a little sticky, but there was so much paste and sparkles around his mouth,” said mother Mary Timte. She quipped, "He was always a messy eater."

“I was going to bring the sample to the Delaware Valley Institute of Fertility & Genetics after school to get tested, but the kid must have thought that I had an extra bit of paste on my desk,” said Langdon. “Who’s to know that a third grader couldn’t tell the difference between Elmer’s and Mike’s?”

If found guilty, Langdon is expected to be let go from the school district and Johnny Timte is expected to seek psychiatrist help when he’s old enough to realize what he has done.

GITe: The Memo; Help a Phrothie out!

2009-06-08T02:10:00.005-04:00

Well, we offer a lot at GITe, but Phroth's new Editor-in-Chief, Rebecca Eisenberg, sure described us well in Phroth's latest blog post saying that, "They put together very short (30 second) sketches featuring awkward moments, rampant gayness, and the occasional robot."

I would also like to add that we have occasional partial nudity, false bible references and an extreme lack of faces.

Get the memo yet?

Now you have.

To read Rebecca's Phroth post in it's entirety click: http://www.phroth.com/2009/06/help-a-phrothie-out/. And once again, thank you Rebecca for helping a fellow Phrothie out!

Let Mirth Prevail.

GITe-enstein. Sounds Jewish.

2009-06-03T19:56:00.008-04:00

From my trash pile, to my treasure heap. Cardboard. Duct tape. Magic marker. Sparkles of course. A coaxial cable. And so he was built.

Rain pelted the roof of my 20-by-20 foot dormitory as thunder crashed down upon State College, Pennsylvania. Noises of wrenches, screw drivers and hammers accompanied the on-again, off-again (like my relationship with that whore) flickers of lightning.

It was never alive. I made it from the trash pile in the building's basement, the recyclables down the unkempt hall and the graveyard that encompasses the dark recesses below Joe's bed. A patchwork of torn apart boxes and and filthy teenage perversions.

The mental switch and roll of duct tape were tightly gripped by sweaty, unsure palms -like a girl giving a hand... you know, we're going to keep this clean... job for the first time. But It was my first time.

The cracks of thunder boomed as our tight living space became housing for three. Supplemental housing of great evil and humor was born.

"Look at it kind-of-moving. It's alive. It's alive. It's alive! Now I know what it feels like to be God!" I belted.

The sweet gay look upon the robot's face was a delight. It made me want to hug metal. But alas, he was cardboard.

Ethical questions of what to do with such a beast quickly arose. My knowledge of science and mathematics only went so far.

How can a single dorm space contain an immovable robot made of boxes? I did not digg (but you can digg here: http://digg.com/comedy/GITe_Ro_Bone_Me) under Joe's mattress to not exploit robots.

As the hours passed and rain continued to drench McElwain Hall, I turned to my roommate.

"Joe, grab a camera. I think we found the face of our shoulders-down sketch comedy troupe. Let's head to the elevator."

And so the GITe (Gay In The elevator) robot was functional and ready to bang.

8 Things Phroth Found Phunny In May

2009-06-01T01:47:00.009-04:00

Starting this summer, Phroth is going to update its blog with what we found Phunny (Shameless Self Promotion Rule 18: misspellings are phine if it helps shamelessly plug your organization)this month.

The following link takes you to what we found phunny (Shameless Self Promotion Rule 19: don't overdue it) around the web and world in the month of May.

Enjoy a tragic Popeye's chicken situation, the assault of a helpless Gatorade machine and what happens when several firecrackers explode on a man's downstairs region.

http://www.phroth.com/2009/05/8-things-phroth-found-phunny-in-may/comment-page-1/#comment-139

Here's a fun (notice I'm now following Rule 19) game: Can you guess which two selections were mine?

My First Gig at Helium (5-26-09)

2009-05-29T12:31:00.004-04:00

Here is a snippet of my first appearance at Helium Comedy Club in Philadelphia. The room was enormous, the place was amazing and I was a delight. You're welcome.

Ah, being modest. I am so good at it.

Hope you're back Brandoning again soon! Thanks for popping in!

Jon & Kate Plus a Divorce Attorney

2009-05-26T02:01:00.004-04:00

Earlier tonight I watched the latest episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8. Season 5 started off with a bang, and by bang I mean an hour and fifteen minutes of awkwardness, tension, irritability and an unhealthy slew of half-Asian children.

With the marriage on life support, the sextuplets stuffing their faces with birthday cake and an overall strange feel to the once-happy Pennsylvania freak-show-of-a-family (yes, I made it one word) has put the show and the families' future in doubt.

Several months ago I wrote a satirical news article that was printed inside the delightfully witty pages of Phroth (Penn State's Humor Magazine/Newspaper). Looking back on my version of Jon & Kate Plus 8, which I wrote February 26, of this year, I am actually shocked as to how close my interpretation of the family's TV future turned out to be.

TLC spinoff in works, Jon & Kate Pop Out a Few Extra Kids & Continue to Have a Loveless Marriage

By Brandon Scott Wolf
Phroth Staff Writer

WERNERSVILLE, Pa. – The cable network that is popular with chicks, TLC, has effective immediately canceled Jon & Kate Plus 8 and has taken the old format and pumped it full of fertility drugs, soft core pornography and darling mixed breed children.

“After a week or so of reading viewer mail, we decided that we needed to up the ante. So we decided to take the program in a whole new direction. The spinoff will be entitled, Jon & Kate Pop Out a Few Extra Kids & Continue to Have a Loveless Marriage,” said TLC program coordinator Keith Unger.

Changes to the show include an additional three children, which mother, Kate Gosselin, must produce within the allotted three months before filming begins, a house DJ and the additional complication of an ultra-virile stunt double husband played by John Stamos.

“The first time I saw Kate, have mercy,” said Stamos. “Our chemistry was instant, especially in the bedroom. Just like Dave Coulier. ”

“I can’t deal with her. I can’t deal with the kids. Aaden, we know, Daddy’s have wieners and you have a wiener… Mady, put down that knife… Leah! Collin! Maddox! Zahara!” said a stressed Jon Gosselin. “Who the fuck are Maddox and Zahara!? Damn you Entertainment Tonight!”

Viewers can’t help but watch the frantic antics of the Gosselin family. "Who knows, maybe Jon will up and leave one day," said Unger. "The fans just eat it up."

“So is she a possum or something?” said pregnant teen and fan of the show, Ashlein Pratt. “My babies all came out by themselves at different times. Usually.”

The spinoff is scheduled to air fall 2009 and rake in okay bucks for the network.

"Our hope is to replicate what NBC did with Joey except have success," said Unger.

Kate was too busy bangin’ out John Stamos to give a comment.

“Can’t a few of them just die?” said Jon. “God?”

Michael Vick killed in tragic dogfighting incident

2009-05-21T00:56:00.004-04:00

Former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was recently released from federal prison and is serving the remainder of his sentence under house arrest. He plans on working for a construction company before a possible return to the NFL. But what if the United States Ironic Prisoner Rehabilitation Program forced Vick into a career flying Navy jets?

Shall we find out?

Oh yeah.

******BREAKING NEWS: May 21, 2010 (Pretend you're in the future. Got it? Good.)******

By Brandon Scott Wolf
Phollegian Editor

BAGHDAD –Former NFL quarterback Michael Vick was killed in action during his first tour of duty after his jet plane had been shot down in combat.

Vick, as a part of the United States Ironic Prisoner Rehabilitation Program, had been assigned to dogfighting missions in the Middle East.

“He took to dogfighting immediately,” said Chief of Naval Operations, Adm. Gary Roughead. “We knew why he was in prison, but he really took to being a pilot. He was truly an exceptional talent that went to waste.”

In response to Vick crashing and burning, owner of the Atlanta Falcons, Arthur Blank, gave a prepared statement at a press conference.

“We are sorry to hear about the loss of one of the best players in Atlanta Falcons’ history and an overall so-so human being,” said Blank. “We want to let the entire sports world know that the Atlanta Falcons do not support dogfighting in any capacity.”

Blank continued by stating that both he and the Falcons organization support both types of cockfighting.

Former member of the United States Ironic Prisoner Rehabilitation Program, Mike Tyson, was dismayed over the news of Vick’s demise, but overall supportive of the program.

“The news of Michael’s dogfighting crash is a tremendous weight on my heart. I never met him, but we shared many common links in life,” said Tyson. “He was a professional athlete; I was a professional athlete. He beat dogs and went to prison; I beat my wife and went to prison.”

Tyson has been a vocal spokesperson for the program since his successful stint as a counselor for a battered women’s shelter.

Vick’s jet-related death has created the largest dogfighting media stir since the death of Goose in “Top Gun.”

Comedy Cabaret in Philadelphia (5-13-09)

2009-05-18T18:05:00.005-04:00

I performed live at Comedy Cabaret's open mic in Northeast Philadelphia last Wednesday night and I had an absolute blast. Although I had a real late time slot and a lot of the comics were hit-and-miss, the crowd perked up and seemed to be really receptive when I jumped on stage.

The older audience cracked up hearing about my college-aged antics. I seemed to be a refreshing change from the usual, and sometimes truly strange, open mic lineup.

For instance: The man who went on before me reminded me of my mother. Is that bad? No. Would she be good at stand-up? Probably not, but she can sure make my friends laugh acting like a goof. And by that, I mean the man was laugh-at-able, neurotic and essentially a Jewish woman trapped inside of an elderly man's body on stage.

After several "jokes," the 60-something man in his pastel track-suit tried to spin a basketball for extra laughs. Most didn't even give a courtesy chuckle. After every failed joke, he tried to get on the crowd's "good" side by asking, "Do you like the Philadelphia Phillies?" The audience's response was consistently a mixture of pained stares --picture someone watching a terrifying horror movie with their hands in front of their faces-- and a healthy amount of boos.

As his allotted minutes trickled painfully away, I realized that I was on next.

At first, I didn't know what to say. That man truly left me dumbfounded. I didn't want to be him. I didn't want to be my mom on stage. I didn't want to get embarrassed. So, I did what I had to do. The bright lights blared, the crowd vanished into darkness and I had to create laughter.*

I got a chuckle, then a laugh and I was well on my way to having another successful open mic. It felt as though a wave of energy propelled me through this set. It was amazing.** Before I took to the stage, I had a list of about 15 planned jokes, but after feeding off the audience and laughing about the previous man's strange performance, my time ended after only three true jokes.

That night, I accomplished what I set out to do. As an amateur comedian, hell, as a person, I never want to have the, "Oh my god. I'm my mom on stage," moment. Thankfully I'm 19 years old and I'm not old enough to be my mom on stage. I'm just me and I am having an awesome time with stand-up.***

*Tougher than it sounds
**Think blow job
***I so want to read this in 20 years

GITe: Neckdown Nerds

2009-05-15T16:28:00.004-04:00

Hello Science and Mathers (that would be you),

This is a GITe (Gay In The elevator) sketch comedy troupe video. Check out our YouTube and Twitter page. The links are all located underneath the More Brandon Scott Wolf area. I hope you browse, have a laugh and enjoy your stay:

More videos are on the way and will be uploaded sporadically throughout the summer. Leave your comments, rate the videos on YouTube and talk to me via the Twitter site. I'll be here as usual and I hope you'll come by for a visit every once in a while... hmm... that came off as though I was a neglected grandmother... sad, just sad. Alright, well I don't want to keep you... I just made cookies and wanted someone to talk to that's all... wow that was a bit much, later guys.

FUN FACTS: The Little-Known Land of Oz

2009-05-11T01:43:00.005-04:00

The other day, Mickey Carroll, one of the last surviving Munchkins from The Wizard of Oz (1939) died. He was 89. In honor of Carroll and this classic film, I am going to pull back the curtain, reveal more than just the man behind it and share some lesser-known fun facts revolving around the actors, the characters, the world and everything Oz. Here are some tidbits I bet you didn't know:

1. The film was originally dubbed The Wizard of Lbs.

2. Several of the Munchkins were eaten by fellow cast and crew. Followed by a Dunkachino.

3. Liza Minelli was conceived after Judy Garland and her three male leads took part in a dick, dick, dick brawl.

4. The Scarecrow became a criminal mastermind in Gotham City after his acting career hit the hay.

5. The actual Wizard of Oz is Lord Sauron.

6. Director Richard Fleming went to rehab for his blueberry muffin addiction.

7.If you listen to Destiny's Child's album Writing on the Walls (1999) in sync with The Wizard of Oz, nothing significant happens.

8. The Tin Man was originally cast as Futurama's Bender.

9. The Emerald City Gym was overrun with Pokémon when the film crew arrived.

10. The clock-heart given to the Tin Man was originally written into the script as a small orphan's heart.

11. After filming ended, the Cowardly Lion ate Courage the Cowardly Dog and STILL, he's one big pussy, cat.

12. All yellow brick roads lead to Rome.

13. Stacy London of TLC's What Not to Wear said the ruby slippers were a fashion don't.

14. The Wicked Witch of the West liked awesome amounts of alliteration.

15. Somewhere over the rainbow is San Francisco.

‘Let’s Go Pens,’ Pittsburgh Penguins sell name to BIC Pens

2009-05-10T01:48:00.002-04:00

By Brandon Scott Wolf
Phroth Phollegian Editor

PITTSBURGH – Pittsburgh Penguins owners Mario Lemeiux and Ron Burkle have sold the naming rights to their NHL franchise to the BIC Pens Corp. so fans don’t get confused by chants of, ‘Let’s go Pens.’ Effective immediately, the team's name, symbol and mascot will change to a large BIC pen.

“We don’t see anything wrong with this. As an owner and former player of this organization, I‘ve come to notice that the fans never cheered for Penguins, they always cheered for Pens,” said Lemeiux. “We just gave the fans what they want while simultaneously making a smart business move.”

“This blue collar town is known for its hard work and steel mills, but come on, the BIC factory is just down the road,” said Burkle. “It’s a natural transition. The fans cheer, ‘Let’s Go Pens,’ at every game and the money [BIC] gave us was in such large burlap sacks.”

Burkle and Lemeiux have also made changes to certain players’ contracts replacing their monetary value with the equivalent in BIC Clic Pens.

“I am up to elbows in BIC ink pencils,” said Pens’ center and noticeable foreigner Evgeni Malkin. “Sidney is gone. He covered with ink pencils and no has been seen in days.”

Most fans have not minded the change.

“Penguins just don’t strike the same type of fear like Pens,” said lifelong Pens fan Lee Hartle. “You could definitely stab a guy with a ballpoint.”

“It’s real exciting for the Pens to be in the playoffs. Well that’s what my boyfriend told me to say. Let's go Pens!” said Pens follower Rachel Toms. “Wait, what did they change?”

“We haven’t done anything that’s not reasonable. We are definitely keeping the Pittsburgh black and gold,” said Burkle. “Tradition is important to us.”